Do something

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

President Bush based his famous and false claim
that Iraq was seeking uranium from Niger on a set of
crudely forged documents. For the last two years,
no one has uncovered who falsified these documents,
which lie at the heart of Bush's case for war.

Now, CBS' 60 Minutes program has uncovered new and
important revelations about the Bush
administration's reliance on the documents. But, in an
unprecedented and astonishing move, CBS bumped the report
back until after the election, saying it would be
"inappropriate" to air the piece when it might
interfere with the political season.

It's outrageous that a major TV news outlet would
censor an important piece of news for political
reasons. Especially since this report has met CBS'
standards for accuracy -- it's true. One can only
assume that CBS is buckling under pressure from the
right -- and that's just plain wrong.

Call CBS and its parent company, Viacom, now, at:

Sumner Redstone, Chairman, Viacom
(212) 258-6000

Les Moonves, Chairman of CBS; co-President &
co-CEO, Viacom
(323) 575-2345

Andrew Heyward, President, CBS News
(212) 975-3247 or
(212) 975-4321

If you don't get through, you can write to CBS at:
http://www.cbsnews.com/htdocs/feedback/fb_news_form.shtml

You can also contact CBS' local affiliates, which
are linked here:
http://newslink.org/cbstele.html

Urge CBS to reverse its decision and air the 60
Minutes piece on Iraq before the November 2nd
election. Let them know how important it is that they not
censor the news.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

EPA Imposes Gag Rule on its Employees

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

The Bush administration is noted for its strict control of "leaks" to the press and its discipline regarding perceived acts of dissent.

Now, President Bush's Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has ordered its staff to "refrain from answering" questions from the news media, according to an agency memo obtained by Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility (PEER). [1]

The gag order was issued by Bharat Marthur, the top EPA official for the Midwestern region. In a memo to all regional staff, Marthur forbids EPA staff from initiating contact with the press or responding to any press queries. Even EPA's designated spokespeople must now "report their conversations" with reporters to the Office of Public Affairs.

Likewise, EPA staff in the Rocky Mountain region have been ordered not to answer any "potentially political inquiry" from the media.

The ban seems to violate not only a longstanding EPA practice of allowing its experts to talk with reporters about matters within their areas of expertise. It also appears to violate Congressionally-enacted bans on agencies trying to impose any "nondisclosure policy, form, or agreement" on their employees without informing employees of their rights under the Whistleblower Protection Act.

###

SOURCES:
[1] PEER press release, Sept. 22, 2004.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A 3 YR. OLD NURSE

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

> > >
> > > It was late at night and Heidi, who was
expecting her second child,
> > > was home alone with her 3 year old daughter,
Katelyn. Heidi started
to
> > > go into labor and called 911.
> > > Due to a power outage at the time, only one
paramedic was able to
> > > respond to the call.
> > >
> > > The house was very, very dark, so the
paramedic asked Katelyn to
> > > hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he
could see while he
> helped
> > > deliver the baby.
> > >
> > > Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was
asked. Heidi pushed and
> > > pushed,and after a little while Connor was
born.
> > >
> > > The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and
spanked him on his
> > > bottom. Connor began to cry. The
paramedic then thanked Katelyn
for
> > her
> > > help,and asked the wide eyed 3 year old
Katelyn what she thought
about
> > > what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly
responded, "He shouldn't
> have
> > > crawled in there in the first place. Spank
him again."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

ADMINISTRATION DISTORTS WHO BENEFITS FROM TAX CUT

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

The administration and most of the mainstream press
are billing the tax package passed by Congress
yesterday as a "middle class tax-cut."[1] The reality
is that the new law is more of the same: tax cuts
that benefit the rich and, in many cases, exclude the
neediest families.

An analysis from the Urban Institute-Brookings Tax
Policy Center shows that the middle 20 percent of
earners "will receive an average tax cut of $162 in
2005 from this legislation."[2] The top fifth of
earners, however, "will get an average tax cut of
$1,317."[3] As a result, the top fifth will receive
two-thirds of all benefits.[4]

The bill excluded a provision that would have
extended the child tax credit to four million low-income
families who currently don't qualify.[5] Extending
eligibility to these families would have cost $4
billion.[6] Meanwhile, conservatives included $12
billion in tax cuts for corporations.[7]

Sources:

1. "Congress Extends Middle-Class Tax Breaks," The
Kansas City Star, 9/24/04,
http://daily.misleader.org/ctt.asp?u=2460565&l=58038.
2. "New 'Middle-Class' Tax-Cut Bill Represents
Cynical Policymaking," Center for Budget and Policy
Priorities, 9/23/04,
http://daily.misleader.org/ctt.asp?u=2460565&l=58039.
3. Ibid,
http://daily.misleader.org/ctt.asp?u=2460565&l=58039.
4. Ibid,
http://daily.misleader.org/ctt.asp?u=2460565&l=58039.
5. "Lawmakers Can't Resist Voting to Extend Bush's
Tax Cuts," Los Angeles Times, 9/24/04,
http://daily.misleader.org/ctt.asp?u=2460565&l=58040.
6. Ibid.,
http://daily.misleader.org/ctt.asp?u=2460565&l=58040
7. Ibid.,
http://daily.misleader.org/ctt.asp?u=2460565&l=58040



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Want to feel smarter, read this, "IDIOTS AT WORK"

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, all our office phones went dead and I
had
to contact the telephone repair people.
They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00
p.m. When I asked
if they could give me a smaller time window, the
pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to
call you before we
come?"

I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to
do that, since our phones weren't working. He also
requested that we
report
future outages by email (Does YOUR email work
without a telephone
line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card
purchase when the clerk
noticed
I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed
me
that she could not complete the transaction unless
the card
was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it
was necessary to
compare
the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So
I signed the credit
card in front
of her. She carefully compared the signature to the
one I had just
signed
on the receipt. As luck would have it, they
matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the
local
township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer
Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were
being hit by cars and
he
didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a
taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He
said he was sorry,
but
they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when
an airport employee
asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your Knowledge?" To
which
I
replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would
I know?" He smiled
knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe
to cross the street. I
was
crossing with an intellectually-challenged coworker
of mine when she
asked
if
I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people
when
the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind
people
doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker
who was leaving the
company due to "downsizing," our manager commented
Cheerfully, "This
is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word
was spoken. We all
just looked at each other.....

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power
strip back into itself
and
for the life of her couldn't understand why her
system would not turn
on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our
car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We
went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the
driver's
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried
the
door handle and discovered that it was Unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
To which he
replied, "I know - I already got that side."

NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER >>



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Think YOU"RE tech-challenged?

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are
technologically
challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet."

This is an excerpt from a "Wall Street Journal"
article.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command
"Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking
where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining
that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover
turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put
his troubled floppy back in
the drive and close the door.The customer asked the
tech to hold on and was
heard putting the phone down, getting up and
crossing the room to close the
door.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't
get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the
technician discovered the
man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding
it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain
that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub
with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all
the keys and washing them
individually.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble
printing documents. He told
the technician that the computer had said it
"couldn't find printer" The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to
face the printer but that
his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support
couldn't get her new Dell
Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer
was plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal
and nothing happens." The
"foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a
problem with her printer. The
tech asked her if she was running it under
"Windows." The woman
responded,"No, my desk is next to the door. But
that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
window and his printer is
working fine."

9. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press control and
escape keys at the same
time.That brings up a task list in the middle of
the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manag"
Customer: "I don't have a "P". Tech: "On your
keyboard, Bob." Customer:
"What do you mean?"
Tech: ""P" on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm
not going to do that!!!"



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Wal-Mart wine

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

(AP) -- Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in
the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a
market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is
important." So, here we go:


The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling


And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine ...

1. Nasti Spumante


The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat (possum) and red meat (squirrel).




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

IF this wasn't SO true, it would be funnier for me.

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the
menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I
asked for a half
dozen nuggets. We don't have half dozen nuggets,
said the teenager at
the counter. You don't? I replied. We only have
six, nine, or twelve,
was the reply. So I can't order a half-dozen
nuggets, but I can order
six? I shook my head

and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of
what happened a couple
of months ago. I was checking out at the local
Foodland with
just a few items and the lady behind me put her
things on the belt close
to mine. I picked up one of those Dividers that
they keep by the cash
register and placed it between our things so they
wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl

had scanned all of my items she picked up the
Divider looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not
finding the bar code she

said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I
said to her I've
changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.
She said OK and I
paid
her for the things and left. She had no clue to
what had just
happened.....

MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into
her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to
what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they
kept asking for a
credit card number, so she was using the ATM
thingy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping
beside her car. Do you
need some help? I asked. She replied, I knew I
should have replaced
the battery to this remote door UN-locker. Now I
can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient
store) would have
a battery to fit this? Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have
an alarm too? I
asked. No, just this remote thingy, she answered,
handing it and the car

keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked
the door, I replied,
Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries. It's a
long walk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none
too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, I'm
almost out of
typing paper. What do I do? Just use copier
machine paper, the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her
last remaining blank
piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to
make five blank
copies. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large
motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in
dire need of repair
and the whole thing generally looked like an extra
in Twister. I asked
the manager what had happened. He told me that the
driver had set the
cruise control and then went in the back to make a
sandwich.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS AT WORK...
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a
dollar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a
suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy
machine. The message He's lying was placed in the
copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the lie detector was
working, the suspect
confessed.


"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Ya think a woman wrote these?

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

My husband came home with a tube of KY
jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight." He
was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I
squirted it all over the
doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's just too hot to wear clothes
today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what
do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn
like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your
money," she replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day care teacher holds up a picture
and asks," What's
this?"
"A horsy," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy," replies another youngster.

"And now this one?" asks the
teacher, holding up a picture of a male
deer with a beautiful
rack
of antlers. There was no answer, only
total silence.

"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll
give you a little
hint. What
does your Mommy call your Daddy when he
hugs and kisses her
a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little
girl. "It's a horny
bastard!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
A: Because it only attacks the brain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good
looking, sensitive
man?
A: A rumor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: A couple is lying in bed. The man
says, "I am going to make

you the happiest woman in the world"

A: The woman says, "I'll miss you."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A Thought - Inner Strength

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep
pills, If you can be
cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can
resist complaining and
boring people with your troubles, If you can eat
the same food everyday
and be grateful for it, If you can understand when
loved ones are
too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when
people take things
out on you when,

through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If
you can take
criticism and blame without resentment, If you can
face the world
without
lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without
medical help, If you
can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without
the aid of drugs,


Then.............. you are probably a cat or a
dog.







MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

And this word means, WHAT?

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words And the winners are...
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Grandma's Apron

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

The principle use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress
underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing
hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears,
and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears. From the
chicken-coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and
sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in
the warming oven.

When company came those aprons were ideal hiding
places for shy kids; And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped
it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring
brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were
brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried
all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled it carried
out the hulls. In the fall the apron was used to bring in apples that
had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road,
it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a
matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto
the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in
from the fields to dinner.
It will be a long time before someone invents something that will
replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes. Send this
to those who would know, and love the story about Grandma's aprons.

We have 7 aprons between us here.

REMEMBER THIS!
"Grandma use to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.
Her granddaughter's set theirs on the window sill to thaw."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Answer in the Extended Section...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or Oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer

BANG!

Southern Republican's Answer

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

*click*

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Scary story in S.F. Chronicle this week about how San Francisco is going to turn into a steaming tropical hellhole.

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

Jon Carroll

Thursday, September 16, 2004


Scary story in The Chronicle this week about how San Francisco is going to turn into a steaming tropical hellhole. That would destroy one of the great reasons for living here: You get to live in California only without all that annoying heatstroke.

So I'm going to -- wait, that's all going to happen in 2090. I know this sounds selfish, but I plan to be dead in 2090. Plus, if there are 60 days a year of plus-100 temperatures here, imagine how cheap real estate will be. So I'll be dead, and with luck my heirs will have sold the family digs at a healthy profit and moved to balmy Montana.

The reason I bring this up, though, is a quote from Susanne C. Moser, a co-author of the climate-change report who lives in Boulder, Colo. (I mention that last part only to stir regional resentments.) Says Ms. Moser: "You'll get a lot of temperature variation, heat waves alternating with rapid cooling. That's a situation the body won't get used to."

That statement reminds me of those scientists who, at the dawn of the railroad age, predicted that humans would die if they were forced to travel at more than 60 miles an hour. The pressure would suck the air right out of them, or something.

Here in the Bay Area, we eat rapid temperature changes for lunch. We depend on them for energy and amusement. We -- look, remember last Sunday? That was the day that everybody did everything, Opera in the Park and long- distance bicycle racing and the 49ers game and picnics picnics picnics. The day started with glowering low clouds, a nasty little breeze off the ocean, a real taste of winter -- or, as we call it around here, June.

Tracy and I took Lauren out to the Discovery Center in Fort Baker. By the time we got there, the fog had been blown over to Stockton or somewhere, and there was sparkly blue sky and sunshine for miles in every direction. Lauren met her friend Phoebe there, and the two 3.5-year-olds raced around like uncaged ferrets, chasing each other and chasing nothing and shrieking for no reason -- little girls shriek, and when they hit top volume hawks fall from the sky.

At 2 p.m. it was probably 30 degrees warmer than it had been at 9 a.m. The tiny children did not seem perturbed. They climbed on the ship and bounced on the spider web and raced around the labyrinthine hut/art project made from woven willows -- which is, by the way, worth the price of admission all by itself.

They tried the "Sesame Street" exhibition, which was boring and self- promotional and tacky. All of the "push this button" exhibits were broken. Couldn't we just have a nice machine that crushes stuff all day long? Kids love seeing stuff getting crushed.

By that time, a cool wind had risen on the bay, spewing whitecaps and creating flocks of white-winged sailboats. But inside the big-windowed buildings, it was stuffy and hot in the afternoon sun. And we went from chilly wind to stuffy room to chilly wind to stuffy room, as people in the Bay Area have for as long as I have been here, and our bodies somehow did not fly apart. We dealt. The 3.5-year-olds didn't even notice.

Naturally, it's disturbing that Sacramento will become hot in the summer. I fret for Fresno, baking in the heat. We could, of course, institute sensible environmental policies to slow the climate change, but that's not going to happen as long as there is fossil fuel somewhere under the caribou. So instead, let's get to work on big hats with little fans sewn into the brims.

Le microclimate, c'est moi.

You know, if they don't want to pay for the new Bay Bridge, I don't think we should let them use it. Eat Dumbarton, Southern California swine. But that's not what this column is about.

I'd like to sup with my baby tonight, fill the cup with my baby tonight, but I'm not up jcarroll@sfchronicle.com.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

SEEN ON WOMEN'S T-SHIRTS

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

(On the front) 50 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE.

I'M STILL HOT ... IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.

AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.

MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.

LIFE IS SHORT --MAKE FUN OF IT.

I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.

PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!

BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO
SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR.

IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.

EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.

KEEP STARING .. I MAY DO A TRICK.

DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.

MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.

EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE,"
I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE.

CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE.

LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE THE PREACHER WILL
NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.

IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

New larger window in space - Boy are we going to see thing now.

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

Space's largest window is built

The Cupola structure will be fitted to the space station
The largest window built for use in space has been completed, promising to give astronauts a spectacular view from the International Space Station.

See the picture of it at http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/3655580.stm and the rest of the story if you want it.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Different Types of Measurement

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

A Different Measurement

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement =
1bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 IV League



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

different measurement

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement =
1bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 IV League



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Consultants, a joke

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking for a monkey. The storeowner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one to the left costs $500," says the storeowner.

"Why so much?" asks the customer.

"Because it can program in C," answers the storeowner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told that "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey.

"That one costs $3000," answers the storeowner.

"$3000!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

The AOL Car

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
******** United States Marine Corps **********

---

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.

The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".