THE IMPORTANCE OF USING CORRECT E-MAIL ADDRESSES

---

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to
thaw out during one particularly icy winter.
Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel
schedules.
It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday,
and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the
husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and
send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally
left off one letter in her
address, and sent the e-mail without realizing
his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's
funeral.
He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory'
following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message,
she fainted and fell to thefloor. The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

> To: My Loving Wife
> From: Your Departed Husband
> Subject: I've Arrived!
>
> I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see
> that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
>
> P.S. Sure is hot down here!


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

---

> A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to
Florida
> for a long weekend to
> thaw out during one particularly icy winter.
Because
> both had jobs, they
> had difficulty coordinating their travel
schedules.
> It was decided that
> the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday,
and
> his wife would follow
> him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the
> husband checked into the
> hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and
send
> his wife an e-mail
> back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally
left
> off one letter in her
> address, and sent the e-mail without realizing
his
> error. In Houston, a
> widow had just returned from her husband's
funeral.
> He was a minister of
> many years who had been 'called home to glory'
> following a heart attack.
> The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages
> from relatives and
> friends. Upon reading the first message, she
fainted
> and fell to the
> floor. The widow's son rushed into the room,
found
> his mother on the
> floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
>
> To: My Loving Wife
> From: Your Departed Husband
> Subject: I've Arrived!
>
> I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see
> that everything has been prepared for your
arrival
> tomorrow. Looking
> forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is
as
> uneventful as mine
> was.
>
> P.S. Sure is hot down here!




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Test

---

TEST


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

test

---

test


MY ADVICE endeavors attarget="_blank">keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336
(800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and
0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I usetarget="_blank">Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. color="990000">View me in the Friends & Family part of href="http://www.webcamnow.com" target="_blank">webcamnow.com, just
click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow
& select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Life isn't like a box of chocolates...

---

It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Stick it in your ear

---

Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is
wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion
sense."
"Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." Says Joe
sheepishly.
"No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife, Becky, found it in our bed."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

HERE'S A WORKOUT FOR SENIORS

---

(and you under 65ers can join in too)

The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:

Monday
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper

Tuesday
Drag my heels Push my luck
Make mountains out of molehills
Hit the nail on the head

Wednesday
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles

Thursday
Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

Friday
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge

Saturday Pick up the pieces.

Sunday Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage him or her.

Whew! What a workout!

MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Here is a little humor.

---

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a
letter
from his
grandmother asking him to send her a current photo
of
himself in his new
location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a
nudist colony, he
cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the
bottom
half of the
photo.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent
the
wrong half, but
then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight
is,
and hopes she
won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his
grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair
style....
it makes your
nose look too short."

Ways to tell someone his fly is unzipped:

---

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore
leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and
tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the
upright
and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the
lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica"
instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no
introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los
Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis

---

The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch
of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A Gracie Argument

---

First I should tell you who Gracie is. Ever heard of "George Burns and Gracie Allan"? They were a couple that were in entertainment, first in Vaudeville. And she would get things just turned around a little, see:

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a
whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round.

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.

Guess I must have won that silly argument




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

PLEASE read this review of the movie The Passion of the Christ

---

PLEASE read this review of the movie The Passion of the Christ, Plan to attend the opening week end Feb 25 through 28 so we can impact the numbers to show this as the # 1 box office hit for that week end. Take every one you know and help make a difference. May God bless you as you serve HIM. The Passion as viewed by Jody Dean CBS Anchor in Dallas.
There've been a ton of emails and forwards floating around recently from those who've had the privilege of seeing Mel Gibson's "The Passion Of The Christ" prior to its actual release. I thought I'd give you my reaction after seeing it last night.

The screening was on the first night of "Elevate!", a weekend-long seminar for young people at Prestonwood Baptist Church in Plano. There were about 2,000 people there, and the movie was shown after several speakers had taken the podium. It started around 9 and finished around 11...so I reckon the film is about two hours in length. Frankly, I lost complete track of
time - so I can't be sure.

I want you to know that I started in broadcasting when I was 13-years-old. I've been in the business of writing, performing,
production, and broadcasting for a long time. I've been a part of movies, radio, television, stage and other productions - so I know how things are done. I know about soundtracks and special effects and make-up and screenplays. I think I've seen just about every kind of movie or TV show ever made - from extremely inspirational to extremely gory. I read a lot, too - and have
covered stories and scenes that still make me wince. I also have a vivid imagination, and have the ability to picture things as they must have happened - or to anticipate things as they will be portrayed. I've also seen an enormous amount of footage from Gibson's film, so I thought I knew what was coming.

But there is nothing in my existence - nothing I could have read, seen, heard, thought, or known - that could have prepared me for what I saw on screen last night.

This is not a movie that anyone will "like". I don't think it's a movie anyone will "love". It certainly doesn't "entertain". There isn't even the sense that one has just watched a movie. What it is, is an experience - on a level of primary emotion that is scarcely comprehensible. Every shred of human preconception or predisposition is utterly stripped away. No one will
eat popcorn during this film. Some may not eat for days after they've seen it. Quite honestly, I wanted to vomit. It hits that hard.

I can see why some people are worried about how the film portrays the Jews. They should be worried. No, it's not anti-Semitic. What it is, is entirely shattering. There are no "winners". No one comes off looking "good" - except Jesus. Even His own mother hesitates. As depicted, the Jewish leaders of Jesus' day merely do what any of us would have done - and
still do. They protected their perceived "place" - their sense of safety and security, and the satisfaction of their own "rightness". But everyone falters. Caiphus judges. Peter denies. Judas betrays. Simon the Cyrene balks. Mark runs away. Pila te equivocates. The crowd mocks. The soldiers laugh. Longinus still stabs with his pilus. The centurion still carries
out his orders! . And as Jesus fixes them all with a glance, they still turn away. The Jews, the Romans, Jesus' friends - they all fall. Everyone, except the Principal Figure. Heaven sheds a single, mighty tear - and as blood and water spew from His side, the complacency of all creation is eternally shattered.

The film grabs you in the first five seconds, and never lets go. The brutality, humiliation, and gore is almost inconceivable - and still probably doesn't go far enough. The scourging alone seems to never end, and you cringe at the sound and splatter of every blow - no matter how steely your nerves. Even those who have known combat or prison will have trouble, no matter their experience - because this Man was not conscripted. He went willingly, laying down His entirety for all. It is one thing for a
soldier to die for his countrymen . It's something else entirely to think of even a common man dying for those who hate and wish to kill him. But this is no common man. This is the King of the Universe. The idea that anyone could or would have gone through such punishment is unthinkable - but this Man was completely innocent, completely holy - and paying the price for others. He screams as He is laid upon the cross, "Father, they don't know. They don't know..."

What Gibson has done is to use all of his considerable skill to portray the most dramatic moment of the most dramatic events since the dawn of time. There is no escape. It's a punch to the gut that puts you on the canvas, and you don't get up. You are simply confronted by the horror of what was done - what had to be done - and why. Throughout the entire film, I found
myself apologizing.

What you've heard about how audiences have reacted is true. There was no sound after the film's conclusion. No noise at all. No one got up. No one moved. The only sound one could hear was sobbing. In all my years of public life, I have never heard anything like that.

I told many of you that Gibson had reportedly re-shot the ending to include more "hope" through the Resurrection? That's not true. The Resurrection scene is perhaps the shortest in the entire movie - and yet it packs a punch that can't be quantified. It is perfect. There is no way to negotiate the meaning out of it. It simply asks, "Now, what will you do?"

I'll leave the details to you, in the hope that you will see the film - but one thing above all stands out, and I have to tell you about it. It comes from the end of Jesus' temptations in the wilderness - where the Bible says Satan left him "until a more opportune time". I imagine Satan never quit tempting Christ, but this film captures beyond words the most opportune time. At every step of the way, Satan is there at Jesus' side - imploring Him to quit, reasoning with Him to give up, and seducing Him to surrender. For the first time, one gets an heart-stopping idea of the sense of madness that must have enveloped Jesus - a sense of the evil that was at His very elbow. The physical punishment is relentless - but it's the sense of psychological torture that is most overwhelming. He should have quit. He should have opened His mouth. He should have called 10,000 angels. No
one would have blamed Him. What we deserve is obvious. But He couldn't do that. He wouldn't do that. He didn't do that. He doesn't do that. It was not and is not His character. He was obedient, all the way to the cross - and you feel the real meaning of that phrase in a place the human heart usually doesn't dare to go. You understand that we are called to that same level
of obedience. With Jesus' humanity so irresistibly on display, you understand that we have no excuse. There is no place to hide.

The truth is this: Is it just a "movie"? In a way, yes. But it goes far beyond that, in a fashion I've never felt - in any forum. We may think we "know". We know nothing. We've gone 2,000 years - used to the idea of a pleasant story, and a sanitized Christ. We expect the ending, because we've heard it so many times. God forgive us. This film tears that all away. It's
as close as any of us will ever get to knowing, until we fully know. Paul understood. "Be urgent, in and out of season."

Luke wrote that Jesus reveals Himself in the breaking of the bread. Exactly. "The Passion Of The Christ" shows that Bread being broken.

Go see this movie.




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

FUNNY ONE or TWO

---

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
>>final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being >>here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack ora serious
personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family - but that's it-no other
>>excuses-whatsoever!"
I haven't forgotten you. Just busy and I don't
always get good one that I can pass on.
Hope this makes up for it.

>>*****************************************
>>A smart ass jock in the back of the room raises
his hand and asks,"What would you say if tomorrow
I said I was suffering from complete and utter
>>sexual exhaustion?"
>>
>>The entire class does its best to stifle their
laughter and snickering.
>>When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
sympathetically at the
>>student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd
>>have to write the exam with your other hand.

The Aging Game

---

Do you realize that the only time in our lives
when we like to get
older
> is
> when we're kids? If you're less than ten years
old, you're so excited
> about
> aging that you think in fractions.
>
> "How old are you?"
>
> "I'm four and a half."
>
> You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and
a half going on five.

>
> You get into your teens; now they can't hold you
back.
>
> You jump to the next number. "How old are you?"
> "I'm gonna be 16."
> You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
> Eventually.
>
> Then the great day of your life... you become
21.
> Even the words sound like a ceremony.
> You B-E-C-O-M-E 21....Yes!!
>
> Then you turn 30. What happened there?
> Makes you sound like bad milk.
> He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
> What's wrong? What changed?
> You B-E-C-O-M-E 21;
> You T-U-R-N 30.
>
> Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there.
> You REACH 50.
>
> You BECOME 21; You TURN 30;You're PUSHING 40;
You REACH 50;
> Then You MAKE IT to 60.
>
> By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT
70.
> After that, it's a day by day thing....
> You HIT Wednesday...
>
> You get into your 80's....
> You HIT lunch, You HIT 4:30.
> And it doesn't end there....
>
> Into the 90s, you start going backwards.
> "I was JUST 92."
>
> Then a strange thing happens; if you make it
over 100,
> You become a little kid again....
> "I'm 100 and a half."

Only in America

---

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America.......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America.......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America.......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Visit the LA Corner's "Gift Shop"

---

The LA Corner's office has a giftshop and an website. Yes, if you go to LA you can take tour of the corner's office and will, take a look at their site.

http://lacoroner.com/signpost.htm I don't know, I just don't know what going on in these United States anymore.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Escape from Neverland

---

http://www.zooass.com/games/neverland/neverland.swf

COWBOY LOGIC vs. SIERRA CLUB LOGIC

---

There is no arguing with this cowboy logic. A few years go, the Sierra
Club and the U.S. Forest Service was presenting an alternative to
Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true
methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a
more humane solution". What they proposed, was for the animals to be
captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again. The population
would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and
Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest
Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a
couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't
screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em".

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

---

(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.


A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".


When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.


Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.


They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


Pass this along to another Grandparents. It will make their day.

A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

Marketing

---

- People often ask for an explanation of
"Marketing." Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a
party. You go up to him and
say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and pointing at you
says, "She's fantastic in
bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and get his telephone
number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm
fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your
dress. You walk up to him and
pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to
straighten his tie,
brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and
then say, "By the way, I'm
fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks
up to you and says, I
hear you're fantastic in bed,"
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He
fancies you, but you talk him
into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that
there could be handsome
men in all these houses you're passing. So you
climb onto the roof of one
situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to
you and gropes your
breast and grabs your ass.
That's Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You like it, but 20 years later your attorney
decides you were offended and
files suit.
That's America.

And You thought you knew EVERYTHING.........

---

1 A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
2 A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
3 A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
4 A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
5 A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
6 A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
7 A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
8 A snail can sleep for three years.
9 Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
10 All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
11 Almonds are a member of the peach family.
12 An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
13 Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
14 Butterflies taste with their feet.
15 Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
16 "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
17 February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
18 In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
19 If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
20 If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
21 It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
22 Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
23 Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
24 No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
25 On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
26 Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
27 Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
28 Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
29 "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand; lollipop with your right.
30 The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
31 The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
32 The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
33 The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
34 The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
35 The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
36 The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
37 There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
38 There are more chickens than people in the world.
39 There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
40 There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
41 There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
42 Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
43 TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
44 Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
45 Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
46 Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
....................now you know everything!!

Potentially or Realistically?

---

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your
brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back
and tell me what you learn from that."

So Johnny went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We
could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
college!"

Johnny then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

Johnny then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know
how much a million could buy?"

Johnny pondered this for a few days, then went back to his dad. His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?"

Johnny replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million
dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer."

For the woman...

---

When Reality sets in: Thought you Gals might like this (smile)


1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.
3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

5. Maturity means being emotionally and initially healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say
WHOOPEE!

6. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

8. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

9. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

10. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.

11. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.

12. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how
splendid the day has been.

13. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.

14. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

15. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and blind they don't recognize you.

16. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

17. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

MARRIAGE IN 4 PARTS

---

Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical
good-looking lady and after
> the wedding, he laid down the following
rules:
>
>
> "I'll be home when I want, if I
want and at what time I
> want-and
> I don't expect any hassle from you. I
expect a great dinner to be on
> the
> table unless I tell you that I won't be
home for dinner. I'll go
> hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing
when I want with my old
> buddies and don't you give me a hard time
about it. Those are my
> rules.
> Any comments?"
>
>
> His new bride said, "No, that's
fine with me. Just
> understand
> that there will be sex here at seven
o'clock every night... whether
> you're here or not."
>
>
> (DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
>
>
> Marriage (Part II)
>
>
> Husband and wife had a bitter
quarrel on the day of their
> 40th
> wedding anniversary!
>
>
> The husband yells, "When you die,
I'm getting you a
> headstone
> that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As
Ever.'
>
>
> "Yeah?" she replies. "When you
die, I'm getting you a
> headstone
> that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At
Last.'"
>
>
> (HE ASKED FOR IT!)
>
>
> Marriage (Part III)
>
>
> Husband (a doctor) and his wife
are having a fight at the
> breakfast table.
>
>
> Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And
you are no good in bed
> either,"
> and storms out of the house.
>
>
> After sometime he realizes he was
nasty and decides to make
> amends and rings her up. She comes to the
phone after many rings,
>and
> the irritated
> husband says, "what took you so long to
answer the phone?"
>
>
> She says, "I was in bed."
>
>
> "In bed this early, doing what?"
>
>
> "Getting a second opinion!"
>
>
> (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
>
>
> Marriage (Part IV)
>
>
> A man has six children and is very
proud of his
>achievement.
> He
> is so proud of himself, that he starts
calling his wife," Mother of
> Six" in spite
> of her objections.
>
>
> One night, they go to a party. The
man decides that it's
> time
> to go home and wants to find out if his
wife is ready to leave as
> well. He shouts
> at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home
'Mother of six?"
>
>
> His wife, irritated by her
husband's lack of discretion
> shouts
> right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father
of Four."
>
>
> (RIGHT ON, LADY!)
>
>
> God may have created man before
woman but there is always a
> rough draft before the masterpiece.
>
>
PUT HERE FOR SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH "AND"
FOR MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

HMO Policy

---

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
>The lab tech says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up
>And we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab,
>the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent at the same time and we are
>Now uncertain which is your wife. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
>
>"What do you mean?"
>
>"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs.
>Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife's."
>
>"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
>
>"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO and they won't pay for these expensive
>tests more than once in a year, so we can't repeat the test until next
>year."
>
>"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
>
>"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off on the outskirts of town.
>If she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her."

The Test

---

> > > > > A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in
> > his life science
> > > classroom,
> > > > > staring at a question on the final exam paper.
> > The question directed:
> > > > "Give
> > > > > four advantages of breast milk."
> > > > >
> > > > > What to write? He sighed, and began to
> > scribble whatever came into his
> > > > head,
> > > > > hoping for the best:
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >> 1. No need to boil.
> > > > > > >> 2. Never goes sour.
> > > > > > >> 3. Available whenever necessary.
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >> So far so good - maybe. But the exam
> > demanded a fourth
> > answer.
> > > > > Again,
> > > > > what to write? Once more, he sighed. He
> > frowned. He scowled, then
> > sighed
> > > > > again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his
> > pen, and triumphantly,
> > he
> > > > > scribbled his definitive answer:
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >> 4. Available in attractive containers
> > of varying sizes.
> > > > > > >>
> > > > > > >> He received an A

A Thought...

---

The Little Things
The little things that drive us crazy. Next time your morning seems
>to be going wrong, the children are slow getting
dressed, you can't seem to
>find the car keys, you hit every traffic light,
don't get mad or
>frustrated, think about this.
>
>
> After Sept. 11th, one company invited the
remaining members of other
>companies who had been decimated by the attack
on the Twin Towers to share
>their available office space.
>
> At a morning meeting, the head of
security told stories of why these
>people were alive...... and all the stories were
just 'little' things.
>
> As you might know, the head of the
company got in late that day
> because his son started kindergarten.
>
> Another fellow was alive because it was
his turn to bring donuts.
>
> One woman was late because her alarm
clock didn't go off in time.
>
> One was late because of being stuck on
the NJ Turnpike because of an
>auto accident.
>
> One missed his bus.
>
> One spilled food on her clothes and had
to take time to change.
>
> One's car wouldn't start.
>
> One went back to answer the telephone.
>
> One had a child that dawdled and didn't
get ready as soon as he
>should have.
>
> One couldn't get a taxi.
>
> The one that struck me was the man who
put on a new pair of shoes
>that morning, took the various means to get to
work but before he got
>there, he developed a blister on his foot. He
stopped at a drugstore to buy
>a Band-Aid.
>
> That is why he is alive today.
>
> Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an
elevator, turn back to
>answer a ringing telephone ... all the little
things that annoy me, I think
>to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to
be at this very moment.
>
> May God continue to bless you with all
those annoying little things
>and may you remember their possible purpose.

A thought...

---

The Little Things
The little things that drive us crazy. Next time your morning seems
>to be going wrong, the children are slow getting
dressed, you can't seem to
>find the car keys, you hit every traffic light,
don't get mad or
>frustrated, think about this.
>
>
> After Sept. 11th, one company invited the
remaining members of other
>companies who had been decimated by the attack
on the Twin Towers to share
>their available office space.
>
> At a morning meeting, the head of
security told stories of why these
>people were alive...... and all the stories were
just 'little' things.
>
> As you might know, the head of the
company got in late that day
> because his son started kindergarten.
>
> Another fellow was alive because it was
his turn to bring donuts.
>
> One woman was late because her alarm
clock didn't go off in time.
>
> One was late because of being stuck on
the NJ Turnpike because of an
>auto accident.
>
> One missed his bus.
>
> One spilled food on her clothes and had
to take time to change.
>
> One's car wouldn't start.
>
> One went back to answer the telephone.
>
> One had a child that dawdled and didn't
get ready as soon as he
>should have.
>
> One couldn't get a taxi.
>
> The one that struck me was the man who
put on a new pair of shoes
>that morning, took the various means to get to
work but before he got
>there, he developed a blister on his foot. He
stopped at a drugstore to buy
>a Band-Aid.
>
> That is why he is alive today.
>
> Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an
elevator, turn back to
>answer a ringing telephone ... all the little
things that annoy me, I think
>to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to
be at this very moment.
>
> May God continue to bless you with all
those annoying little things
>and may you remember their possible purpose.

The Fishing Trip

---

Four guys from LakeAasgaard went up to Northern Minnesota fishing.
To save a little money, they rented a small cabin
that had only two
bedrooms.

Well, Arne sleeps with Ole the first night and he
come to breakfast next
morning with his hair a mess, and his eyes all
bloodshot. They say, "Vat
happen to you?" Arne says, "That Ole, he snores so
loud, I was kept
avake vatching him all night. I can't do that
'nother night so vun of you's
got to do it"

Since Ole snores so loudly, no one else wanted to
room with him, but
they finally agree to take turns.

The next night is Oscar's turn. In the morning,
same thing - hair all
standing up, eyes all blood shot. Oscar declares,
"Fer sure, dat Ole
shakes the roof. And he sleeps so hard, I couldn't
vake him. I
vatched him all night."

The third night was Sven's turn. Next morning Sven
come to breakfast
bright eyed and bushy tailed. "

They can't believe it! They say, "Vat happened?"

Sven say, "Well, ve get ready for bed. I go und
tuck Ole into bed and kiss him good night.
Den he vatches me all night long."

For the Ladies

---

Ladies:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it
on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women:
Take a lime and well chilled tequila, mix and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?

Who called who after the Super Bowl

---

President Bush called the Patriots and complimented them on a great game.

Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.

Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson

A Moaner

---

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first 'ever physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor
said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health.
I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The
South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called... "


(I hate to do this to you, the hell I do)
















"The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred!"

Like CATS?

---

http://home.wanadoo.nl/annekebroenink/maukie2.swf Move your mouse around the cat and on it's tail and ears.
Sorry for not posting anything for a couple of days. Had a broken arm in the family. Should get better now.

PALM SUNDAY LOL

---

>>know it,
>>
>> > " the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"
>>
>> >
>>
>> > ===CHILDREN'S SERMON===
>>
>> > One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the
>>children's
>>
>> > sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He
>>pointed
>>
>> > at the egg and asked the children, "What's in Here?" "I know" a
>>little boy
>>
>> > exclaimed....."Pantyhose!"
>>
>> >
>>
>> > ===MATRIMONIAL PROPOSAL===
>>
>> > The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a
>>family?"
>>
>> > The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to
>>support
>>
>> > your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
>>
>> >
>>
>> > ===JUST CURIOUS===
>>
>> > Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered,
>>"39 and
>>
>> > holding".
>>
>> > Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be
>>if you
>>
>> > let go?"
>>
>> >
>>
>> > ===THE TITHING===
>>
>> > A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers
>>passed
>>
>> > around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said
>>
>> > loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."
>>
>> >
>>
>> > ===THE BLESSING===
>>
>> > The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say
>>prayers
>>
>> > before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a
>>good
>>
>> > cook!"
>>
>> >
>>
>> > ===WELCOME TO OUR HOME===
>>
>> > "Oh, I sure am happy to see you, " the little boy said to his
>>grandmother on
>>
>> > his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been
>>promising
>>
>> > us. The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "I
>>heard
>>
>> > him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us
>>
>> > again," the little boy answered.
>>
>> >
>>
>> > === The Mood Ring ===
>>
>> > My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good
>>mood it
>>
>> > turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his
>>forehead.
>>
>> >
>>
>> > === The Water Pistol ===
>>
>> > When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
>>grandmother, he
>>
>> > discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for
>>the
>>
>> > nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
>>
>> > surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy
>>with
>>
>> > water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied. . . "I remember."
>>
>> >
>>
>> > === Half Price ===
>>
>> > US AirWays recently introduced a special half fare for wives who
>>accompanied
>>
>> > their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials,
>>the PR
>>
>> > department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had
>>used the
>>
>> > special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still
>>
>> > pouring in asking, "What trip?"
>>
>> >
>>
>> > === Life After Death ===
>>
>> > "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his
>>employees.
>>
>> > "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes
>>everything
>>
>> > just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go
>>to your
>>
>> > grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Per the "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno"

---

``There was one embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked if he was ever AWOL and he said, 'No, we have Earthlink.'''

``John Kerry said, 'Americans need to be able to trust their president,' and today Hillary Clinton said, ''Tell me about it!''

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM

---

One hand on wheel,
one hand on horn: CHICAGO.

One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window: NEW YORK.

One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window,
cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY.

One hand on wheel,
one hand on newspaper,
foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.

One hand on wheel,
one hand on nonfat
double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone,
brick on accelerator,
gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.

Both hands on wheel,
eyes shut,
both feet on brake,
quivering in terror: OHIO,
but driving in CALIFORNIA.

Both hands in air,
gesturing,
both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to
someone in back seat: ITALY.

One hand on 12oz. double shot latte,
one knee on wheel,
cradling cell phone,
foot on brake,
mind on radio game,
banging head on steering wheel
while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.

One hand on wheel,
one hand on hunting rifle,
alternating between both feet
being on the accelerator
and both feet on brake,
throwing McDonald's
bag out the window: TEXAS.

Four-wheel drive pick-up truck,
shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor,
squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.

Two hands gripping wheel,
blue hair barely
visible above windshield,
driving 35 on the Interstate
in the left lane
with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.

One hand on the wheel,
the other on his sister: ARKANSAS.

Drinking and what it really does for/to ya

---

Turn your sound on for this one....

Be warned about what drinking will do to you... http://www.sydes.net/jokes/flash/beer.swf

Another Moaner

---

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went
> to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual
> pet.
>
> After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
> (100-legged bug),
> which came in a little white box to use for his house.
> He took the box
> back home, found a good location for the box, and
> decided he would start
> off by taking his new pet to church with him.
>
> So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like
> to go to church with me today, we will have a good time."
>
> But there was no answer from his new pet. This
> bothered him a bit, but
> he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How
> about going to church with me and receive blessings."
>
> But again, there was no answer from his new friend and
> pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
> situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this
time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to
church with me and learn about The Lord!"




YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!







A little voice came out of the box:..
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

A Moaner

---

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground
that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no
more.


"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first
one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"OK," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen
asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal,
he thought...
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(ready??)
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(you're gonna hate me for this one, but I warned ya)
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"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

MY kind of Golf

---

I'm so much a techie

OH NO! The word is out...

---

For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you...

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?..... Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage

---

Here's one for the ladies!

---

---

> If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
> drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
> for an instant "fix-me-up."
>
> Real Women:
> If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
> damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's
> motto: "I made it if you want something to eat, you will
> eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Age Humor

---

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a
> > restaurant one morning.
> > Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and
> > she said,
> > '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in
> > your left ear?" Mabel
> > answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out
> > and stared at it.
> > Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
> > Now, I think I know where my hearing aid is."
> >
> >
> > When the husband finally died, his wife put the
> > usual death notice
> > in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
> > No sooner were the
> > papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned
> > and complained bitterly,
> > "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not
> > gonorrhea!"
> > Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so,
> > of course, I know
> > he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be
> > better for posterity
> > to remember him as a great lover.. rather than the
> > big shit he always was!"
> >
> >
> > An elderly couple were on a cruise, and it was
> > really stormy. They
> > were standing on the back of the boat watching the
> > moon, when a wave
> > came up and washed the old woman overboard. They
> > searched for days and
> > couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man
> > back to shore with the
> > promise that he would notify him as soon as they
> > found something.
> > Three weeks went by, and finally the old man got a
> > fax from the boat.
> > It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your
> > wife dead at the
> > bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck,
> > and attached to her
> > butt was an oyster.., and in it was a pearl worth
> > $50,000 . . . please advise."
> > The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl, and
> > re-bait the trap."
> >
> >
> >
> > A funeral service was being held for a woman who has
> > just passed away.
> > At the end of the service, the pall bearers were
> > carrying the casket out,
> > when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring
> > the casket. They
> > heard a faint moan, and opened the casket, and found
> > that the woman was actually alive! She lived for
> > ten more years, and then died.
> > Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of
> > it, the pall bearers were again carrying the casket.
> > As they carried the casket toward the door, the
> > husband cried out:
> > "Watch that wall!"
> >
> >
> >
> > When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady
> > sitting on a park
> > bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her
> > what was wrong.
> > She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He
> > makes love to me
> > every morning and then gets up and makes me
> > pancakes, sausage,
> > fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
> > I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
> > She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and
> > my favorite brownies
> > and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
> > I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
> > She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal
> > with wine and my
> > favorite dessert and then makes love to me until
> > 2:00 a.m. "
> > I said, "Well, why in the world would you be
> > crying?"
> > She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THE SENILITY PRAYER
> >
> > Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
> > liked anyway,
> > the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
> > and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Humor

---

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete, she is a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
*
*
*
*
Picabo, ICU.

A good clean joke is hard to find these days --- pass it on!

OK, very few of you have told me your going to start blog

---

Blogging is SO much safer than Email and if you want you can have a list of friends that can be told of your latest post. And you can have more than one blog under your one account with Blogger anyway. Get it if you wanted to have a blog on new, and jokes, or whatever you want. And there's more, you can have more than yourself making entries.
Lets me know, get it lets not "let".

KIDS IN CHURCH

---

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you
can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good
time like I am."
===============================
A. Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone
could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

"Thou shall not take
the covers off the neighbor's wife."
===============================
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car. His father
asked him three times what
was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us
brought up in a Christian home, and
I wanted to stay with you guys."
=================================

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter,
Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat
after me the lines from
the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation,"
she prayed,
"but deliver
us some E-mail.
Amen."

and one particular four-year-old prayed,
"And
forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
====================================

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they
were on the way to
church service, "And why is it necessary to be
quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are
sleeping."
===========================
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel
were sitting together
in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. You're not supposed to
talk
out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel
asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men
standing by the door?
They're hushers."
============================
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,
5, Ryan 3. The boys
began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the
opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were
sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
========================
A father was at the beach with his children when the
four- year-old son ran
up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay
dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the
son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God
throw him back down?"
==============
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table,
she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to
say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife
answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on
earth did I invite all
these people to dinner?"

A Cartoon site - Funny, very funny

---

Yeah, your going to get some pop-up ads. Just click on the red X to close'em. http://joecartoon.com/pages/home/
I've had the Frog for awhile and I still play it for time to time.
Enjoy

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

---

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment
will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

CASE DISMISSED!!!"

I know you'll agree with me on this

---

This is common sense to most of us. Life would be so simple if we just keep our priorities straight!

A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items

in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very

large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf

balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it

was.

So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them

into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the

open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the

jar was full. They agreed it was. The Professor next picked up a box

of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up

everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous

"Yes." The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the

table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling

the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now", said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you

to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - your family, your

children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions - things

that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life

would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your

house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there

is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for

life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,

you will never have room for the things that are important to

you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children.

Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.

Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and

fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that

really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." When he had

finished, there was a profound silence.



Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled _expression, inquired what the

beer represented. The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It

just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,

there's always room for a couple of beers."

Some old funny quates

---

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
~Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ....visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object.
Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~Les Dawson

By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing.
It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink...and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Unknown

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But...everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Unknown

Doctor to patient:
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~Unknown

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Unknown

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
~Unknown

I know you'll agree with me on this

---

This is common sense to most of us. Life would be so simple if we just keep our priorities straight!

A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items

in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very

large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf

balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it

was.

So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them

into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the

open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the

jar was full. They agreed it was. The Professor next picked up a box

of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up

everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous

"Yes." The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the

table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling

the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now", said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you

to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - your family, your

children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions - things

that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life

would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your

house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there

is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for

life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,

you will never have room for the things that are important to

you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children.

Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.

Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and

fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that

really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." When he had

finished, there was a profound silence.



Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled _expression, inquired what the

beer represented. The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It

just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,

there's always room for a couple of beers."

A cluster of Yuks

---

A man goes into the doctor. He says "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc. that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle." The man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 buck please if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing in about it in my books!" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

==========


*In the Bag
*

I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in an airsickness courtesy bag.

After the plane landed I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?"

I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."


==========
*Strangest Recording*

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other
day.

It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first
try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial."


==========
*Ironic Call*

One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His
boss asked him what happened to his ears.

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally
answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"They called back!"


==========


*Bell Pun

*Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.

Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.