WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

---

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you
chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have
forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God
saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never
changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising
children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their lives teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home
one day (or better yet, take care of you if they want any kind of
inheritance).

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT
IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Humor at the expense of the IRS

---

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to
>begin tracking down high-powered offenders--such as the Enron or WorldCom
>guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when
>his
>assignment was to audit a Rabbi.
>
>Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward and The Rabbi
>clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a
>little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot
>of
>candles."
>
>"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
>
>"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
>
>"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we
>have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then,
>they
>send us a free box of candles."
>
>"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
>actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious
>way...
>
>"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs
>from the matzo?"
>
>"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs
>from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the
>manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
>
>"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
>
>"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
>circumcisions?"
>
>"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
>all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the
>IRS".
>
>"The IRS?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
>
>"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the IRS" ...and about once a year, they send
>us a little prick like you."


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Moments of Truth

---

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups

4.Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
loofah,wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs
12. Turn off shower
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A study

---

Women's Ass size study

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about
their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting....

85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and
> would have married him anyway.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A ToastMaster Misstake

---

A good Irish man, Mike O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at
who could make the best toast.

Mike O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life Between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home
and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

Mike said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life Sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, Mike!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of Mike's toasting buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Mike won the prize the other
night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been
there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come!"


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

BUMPER STICKERS WE'D LIKE TO SEE:

---

> >18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!"
> >
> >17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
> >
> >16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
> >
> >15. The proctologist called...they found your head.
> >
> >14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
> >
> >13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
> >
> >12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
> >
> >11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
> >
> >10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
> >
> >9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
> >
> >8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
> >"Everybody But Me."
> >
> >7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
> >
> >6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
> >
> >5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you..
> >
> >4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
> >
> >3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be
out by itself.
> >
> >2. Hang up and drive!!
> >
AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!!
> >
> >1. Welcome to America .. now speak English


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

I'd would really rather

---

A man walked into the local welfare office,

>marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I

>hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a

>job,"

>The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing

>is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy

>man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his

>nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a

>big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties

>are provided. Because of the long hours of this job,

>meals will also be provided and you will also be

>required to escort the young lady on her overseas

>holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a

>year!"

>The man said, "You're bullshitting me

>man!"

>The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

I was thinking...

---

A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push
to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall
we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things, someone was always home.

We only had a living room
where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime
in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set,
and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips
that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor
there was Lipton's® onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare
because my mother liked to cook,
And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.

The snacks were even healthy
with the best ingredients,
No labels with a hundred things
that make not a bit of sense.

Weekends were for family trips
or staying home to play,
We all did things together --
even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips
depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because
we liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate
to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies
with your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare to
watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees
and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together
with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball --
and no game video.

Remember when the doctor used
to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance
or a lawyer to defend?

The way that he took care of you
or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath
and strived to do the best for you.

Remember going to the store
and shopping casually,
And when you went to pay for it
you used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe
or punch in some amount,
Remember when the cashier person had to really count?

Remember when we breathed the air; it smelled so fresh and clean,
And chemicals were not used
on the grass to keep it green.

The milkman and the bread man
used to go from door to door,
And it was just a few cents more
than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters came right to your door,
Without a lot of junk mail ads
sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent;
There were not loads of mail
addressed to "present occupant."

Remember when the words "I do"
meant that you really did,
And not just temporarily
'til someone blows their lid.

T'was no such thing as "no one's fault; we just made a mistake,"
There was a time when married life was built on give and take.

There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles
trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls fins, and really had some style.

One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed record
called a forty-five.

The record player had a post
to keep them all in line,
And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
And always we were striving,
trying for a better way.

And every year that passed us by
brought new and greater things,
We now can even program phones
with music or with rings.

Oh, the simple life we lived
still seems like so much fun,
How can you explain a game,
just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel red machines
had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier
and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology
but I sure miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we,
and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce
and walk down memory lane.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Staying a breast

---

> Perfect Breasts
> (o)(o)
>
> Fake Silicone Breasts
> ( + )( + )
>
> Perky Breasts
> (*)(*)
>
> Big Nipple Breasts
> (@)(@)
>
> A Cups
> o o
>
> D Cups
> { O }{ O }
>
> Wonder Bra Breasts
> (oYo)
>
> Cold Breasts
> ( ^ )( ^ )
>
> Lopsided Breasts
> (o)(O)
>
> Pierced Nipple Breasts
> (Q)(O)
>
> Hanging Tassels Breasts
> (p)(p)
>
> Grandma's Breasts
> \ o /\ o /
>
> Against The Shower Door Breasts
> ( )( )
>
> Android Breasts
> | o | | o |
>
> Mammogram Breasts
> ___ ___



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Farm Humor

---

Farm Humor

A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Wage and Hour Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.

The farmer says, "That would be me."


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Quotations from comics. They get better as you read

---

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
> > natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Tom
> > Clancy
> > ______________________________________________________________
> > "You know 'that look" women get when they want sex?
> > Me neither." Steve Martin
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't
> > have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand,"
> > Woody Allen
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a
> > date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "There are a number of mechanical devices which
> > increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief
> > among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." Lynn Lavner
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog
> > vacation at the taxidermist." Matt Barry
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a
> > rope." Camille Paglia
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.
> > The other eight are unimportant." George Burns
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake
> > whole relationships." Sharon Stone
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter
> > what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple
> > Computers)
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess" on
> > it; so I said "Thyroid problem?'" Arnold
> > Schwarzenegger
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a
> > sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men
> > dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
> > son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or
> > where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no
> > matter how bad it is," Barbara Bush (Former US First
> > Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of
> > humor!)
> > _________________________________________________________________
> > "Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip
> > out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin
> > Williams
> >
> ________________________________________________________________________
> > "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
> > think of it as the only time of the month that I can
> > be myself." Roseanne
> >
> ________________________________________________________________________
> > "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
> > place." Billy Crystal
> >
> ______________________________________________________________________
> > "According to a new survey, women say they feel
> > more comfortable undressing in front of men than they
> > do undressing in front of other women. They say that
> > women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
> > just grateful." Robert De Niro
> >
> ________________________________________________________________________
> > "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are
> > reporting that many men are having allergic reactions
> > to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.
> > So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
> >
> ________________________________________________________________________
> > "There's very little advice in men's
> > magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing.
> > Just show me somebody naked.'" Jerry Seinfeld
> >
> ________________________________________________________________________
> "Instead of getting married again, I'm going
> > to find a woman I don't like and just give her a
> > house." Rod Stewart
> >
> _______________________________________________________
> > "See, the problem is that God gives men a
> > brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at
> > a time." Robin Williams
> > ______________________________________




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A 30 year difference

---

30 year difference

>1974: Long Hair
>2004: Longing for hair
>
>1974: The perfect high
>2004: The perfect high yield mutual fund
>
>1974: KEG
>2004: EKG
>
>1974: Acid rock
>2004: Acid reflux
>
>l974: Moving to California because it's cool
>2004: Moving to California because it's warm
>
>l974: Growing pot
>2004: Growing pot belly
>
>1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>
>1974: Seeds and stems
>2004: Roughage
>
>l974: Killer weed
>2004: Weed killer
>
>l974: Hoping for a BMW
>2004: Hoping for a BM
>
>l974: The Grateful Dead
>2004: Dr. Kevorkian
>
>l974: Going to a hip joint
>2004: Receiving a new hip joint
>
>l974: Rolling Stones
>2004: Kidney stones
>
>l974: Being called into the principal's office
>2004: Calling the principal's office
>
>l974: Screw the system
>2004: Upgrade the system
>
>l974: Disco
>2004: Costco
>
>l974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
>2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
>
>l974: Passing the driver's test
>2004: Passing the vision test
>
>2004: Whatever
>2004: Depends
>
>AND....
>
>Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change
>things. Each year the staff a Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a
>list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's
>incoming freshmen. Here is this year's list:
>
>The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in
>1985.
>
>They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
>
>Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
>
>Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
>
>The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
>
>They have always had an answering machine.
>
>They have always had cable.
>
>They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
>
>Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
>
>Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
>
>They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
>
>They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
>
>They don't know who Mork was or where he came from.
>
>They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or
>"de plane Boss, de plane."
>
>They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
>
>McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
>
>They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
>
>Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies in your life.
>
>You know you are living in 2004 when:
>
>1. Your reason for not staying in touch with some family and friends is
>because they do not have e-mail.
>
>2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
>
>3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she
>can create a screen saver.
>
>4. You pull up in your own driveway and use the cell phone to see if anyone
>is home.
>
>5. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of
>the screen.
>
>6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out-of-date and sells for
>half the price, or less than you paid for it.
>
>7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
>first 20 or 30 years of life, is now a cause for panic and you have to turn
>around and go get it.
>
>8. Using real money, instead of a credit or debit card, to make a purchase
>would be a hassle and take planning.
>
>9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
>
>10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
>
>11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
>
>12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
>
>13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
>
>14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
>
>15. You disconnet your internet and you get this awful feeling, as if you
>just pulled the plug on a loved one.
>
>16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
>
>17. You wake up at 2:00 A.M. to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on
>your back to bed.
>
>18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
>
>19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
>
>20. Even worse, you know exactly who you are going to forward this to!!!

21(from me). 20 is wrong, Even worse I know which of my 3 blogs I publish this. Cause e-mail is too dangerous. And if you read my TECH BLOG you know that now you can get a virus and not do anything more than "just open up an email". Go see for your self. The entery is only a few day old. It should be easy enough to find.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A Brief History of Computing

---

Enjoy
http://www.ox.compsoc.net/~swhite/history/



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

New Barbie Dolls - Enjoy This One Ladies

---

Finally a Barbie that real woman can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change,
and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

I'm in good company this time, last time we were on differant sides

---

http://www.barbrastreisand.com/news_statements.html#gala
Read the blog of Barbra Streisand
Posted on March 8, 2004
"How can anyone legislate who you can love?..."

THE STRUGGLE FOR EQUAL RIGHTS CONTINUES

Remarks by Barbra Streisand Upon Her receipt of The
Human Rights Campaign Humanitarian Award, March 6, 2004

© Barbra Streisand 2004
I have been fortunate to receive a few awards in my lifetime, and I always appreciate them, but I must say that this is a very special one because the gay community has supported me from the very beginning. I know that this is a challenging moment in your history. So I am very proud to accept this award from the Human Rights Campaign at this time. You are on the frontlines in the struggle for equal rights, even as continued prejudice stands in the way.

The American Constitution is a magical document that has evolved over 200 plus years. While we revere it, it did not start out as a perfect document. This Republic was founded with a Constitution that counted slaves as three-fifths human. It took decades and a Civil War, the deadliest in U.S. history, to erase that stain upon our country. It took over 100 years to bring women into the political system by giving them the right to vote. Interracial marriage was illegal in some states until 1967. Now the Bush Administration wants to change the positive inclusive direction of our Constitution by calling for an amendment that authorizes discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

Well, I say, no way. Dr. Martin Luther King taught us that the arc of history is long, but it bends towards justice. We must always go forward, towards greater liberty and greater equality, not backward.

You know, for me, the realization that two people should have the right to form a sacred union regardless of their gender was strengthened when I saw a performance of the play The Normal Heart in 1985. After feeling the love those two men had for each other, I dare anybody not to want them to get married by the end.

The law cannot dictate matters of the heart. When two people form a deep bond, there is usually a soul connection, and the soul has no gender. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are fundamental rights in this country. Happiness can be many things - a good meal, a good friend, a warm puppy, and certainly...love. How can anyone legislate who you can love? That is a human right, the right to love and be loved.

And when you love someone, whether you're in a heterosexual or same-gender relationship, shouldn't you be able to visit them in the hospital when they're sick or dying? Shouldn't everyone have the right to enter into a loving, legally binding, committed relationship that takes on special responsibilities and obligations?

Current civil union legislation doesn't go far enough in protecting equal rights. We must not deny gay families many of the benefits that help keep families strong...social security, pensions, veteran's support, inheritance, the right to take unpaid leave to care for a spouse...the list goes on and on.

Instead of helping families, this president wants to spend a billion and a half dollars to bolster marriage. Turning government into a marriage counselor is a joke...a waste of time and money. It's not a policy; it's a diversion.

But this administration regularly uses the politics of diversion to their advantage. They cleverly use divisive cultural issues to avoid talking about other serious problems, such as unemployment and healthcare. They go after Saddam because they can't find bin Ladin ... They want to send missions to Mars instead of protecting the Earth... Tax cuts for the wealthy instead of assisting the poor...

You have to look at what Bush does, not what he says. Talk is cheap. He expresses empathy for military families and then cuts their benefits...He names a proposal "The Clear Skies Initiative" that pollutes the planet...He says he'll be a uniter and then drives us apart...He steals the slogan "No Child Left Behind" and then breaks his promise to fund his reforms.

Truly, I stand here flabbergasted at what is going on in today's world. Never in my life have I witnessed a president and an administration that is so out of step with the needs of the country, so threatening to our future and so abusive in its use of power.

The Clinton administration left this country with a budget surplus, and also a surplus in the goodwill we shared with our allies. Now we have a deficit in both.

Before the war in Iraq, I went to hear Scott Ritter speak - he had been a weapons inspector for seven years. He told us there was no imminent threat to the United States, that the program to develop nuclear weapons had been dormant since 1998. There was no connection between Iraq and al Qaeda (one is a secular society and the other fundamentalist), that chemical weapons have a short shelf life and wouldn't be usable today...in short, everything Scott Ritter told us has turned out to be the truth.

But this president (the only one to cut taxes during a war) made terrorism a partisan cause. He charged Democrats with being soft on terror, a lie. He appointed John Ashcroft to trample our civil liberties as Attorney General, and, from a human rights point of view, his use of Guantanamo Bay has roused international protest.

Now as the president gears up for his re-election campaign, the right wing propaganda machine is ready to take the skin off of John Kerry, the Democratic Party's nominee. I've never seen anything as ruthless or as relentless as this. They can take a slur hatched at the Republican National Committee or a lie huckstered by the Heritage Foundation, repeat it on Fox, hit it on Limbaugh, print it in the Wall Street Journal, until it's coming out of every media outlet imaginable. Repeating lies over and over doesn't make them any more true. But it does make people believe the lies a little more until finally they stop demanding the truth.

I've seen their ferocity up close, as I witnessed the astounding assault on the CBS movie about Ronald Reagan, in which my husband starred and Craig and Neil produced. They attacked that movie and drove it off network television before any of them had ever seen it.

The Right Wing is very well-organized. They fight dirty. They project their own nastiness onto their opposition. Remember how they accused the Democrats of stealing the election in Florida, while they themselves were doing just that!

We're now in a period that whenever you say something that's critical of the government, you are accused of being unpatriotic. Bush even lent himself to an utterly despicable campaign in Georgia that impugned the patriotism of Senator Max Cleland, who had sacrificed three limbs in the same Vietnam War that the president ducked. Talking about patriotism, let's never forget Bush's fellow Republican, Teddy Roosevelt, who in 1918 said, "To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."

Indeed, this country now faces a fundamental choice. Multilateral security or pre-emptive wars. Closing or widening the gaps between the haves and the have nots. Facing the truth or accepting the lies. The public taking an interest or tuning out. Extending our rights or turning them back.

Mr. Bush will dress himself up as a compassionate conservative once more for the election, but he has embraced a remarkably radical policy, which I pray the public finally sees. The mishandling of national and economic security. The shameless politics of special interests and crony capitalists. (And when you talk about special interests it's important to differentiate between public interests that benefit the larger good of the people, like protecting the environment or finding a cure for cancer, versus the special interests that are limited to a particular industry or corporation, like Enron or Halliburton).

Bush recently pushed through a prescription drug bill that actually gives a better deal to the drug companies than to the seniors who need the drugs. And what about the new energy plan that actually increases our dependence on Persian Gulf oil (even though he recently said just the opposite in his State of the Union speech).

The Republicans will try to win the election by convincing the American public that they are the father figures who can keep us safe. But the facts contradict the myth. Two and a half years after the largest attack on American soil, our borders remain easily penetrable. We have the capacity to inspect only 2% of cargo containers coming into our country. Local law enforcement has been weakened by spending cuts, and our intelligence lacks manpower and updated technology. And which party's budget provides the most for homeland security? The Democrats!

This president is so transparent. The only way he would agree to investigations of the mishandling of intelligence leading up to the Iraqi war, is if we wait until after the election to get the reports. Has this administration no shame? What job are we not doing that has allowed them to pull the wool over the eyes of the American people?

But...there is hope. It's starting to turn. I can feel it. The media is finally asking the president and his staff the tougher questions, and looking into the issues that should have been investigated years ago. The people are speaking out at all levels from the grassroots to Washington. All of the good work so many people are doing is finally making a dent. We won't be scared into submission.

What should scare us is that we have no checks and balances on this administration. They control the White House, the Senate, the House of Representatives and the Supreme Court. All we have is each other. So each of us must do what we can to create positive change in November. I know the Human Rights Campaign will be at the center of the struggle for equality. And let's be smart...Let's be pragmatic...Let's not allow the Republicans to use gay marriage as a political tool in this election year. Truth and justice eventually wins out.

I am proud to stand with you tonight as the recipient of this prestigious award. Together we can and we will win the fight.




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

I told ya, more of the same. And this maybe "the end" too.

---

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to
32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it had been invented
anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arkansas trooper pulls over a pickup on I-35 and says to the driver,
"Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come'on this is
funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out
the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up
in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a couple gets divorced,
they are STILL cousins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".
The bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, "Well, what do ya do in
Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a
tax-e-dermist?
"The man says,"I mount animals".
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys,
he's one of us."

See these CAN still work, even years after he's left office. Think about it.

MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Oil Shortage

---

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer. "Nobody bothered to check the oil."
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Humor - I hope you think so

---

How can you tell if a Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco
juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in mysink," and the clerk replies, "Go
ahead."

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved
widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 15.

More to come...

MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A small near-Earth asteroid (NEA), discovered Monday night & here 3-18

---

http://neo.jpl.nasa.gov/
The object, designated 2004 FH, is roughly 30 meters (100 feet) in diameter and will pass just 43,000 km (26,500 miles, or about 3.4 Earth diameters) above the Earth's surface on March 18th at 5:08 PM EST (2:08 PM PST, 22:08 UTC).

MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

HUMOR - How to handle an earthquake in Mexico

---

Mexican Earthquake

A big earthquake, measuring 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America!


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".