HUMOR

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
********************************************

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************



At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak

---

Humor
A Bear in a Bar - - - -

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the
bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says,
"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says,
"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states,
"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."


.........You're gonna love this..........


The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

---

Humor
Women's Humor

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his

sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to

me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"


It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

_______________________


A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

_______________________


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he

stepped out of the shower, "honey,

what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn

like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


_______________________


He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make

love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.


______________________


He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board

while I sit on the sofa and fart.


_______________________


He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I

gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

______________________


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor


_______________________


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their

40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to

them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she

would grant each of them a very special wish.


The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

__________________


AND THE BEST ONE YET...


A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:


She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

A PRAYER....


Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

---

Humor
FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE
>
>Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
>A backward poet writes inverse.
>A man's home is his castle, in a manor of
speaking.
>Dijonvu - the same mustard as before.
>Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
>A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
>A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
>Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor
play.
>Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
>Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
>When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
>A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two
tired.
>What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway.)
>Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.
>In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your
count votes.
>She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg
but broke it off.
>A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
>If you don't pay your exorcist, you get
repossessed.
>With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
>When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
>The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
>You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge
it.
>Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.
>He often broke into song because he couldn't find
the key.
>Every calendar's days are numbered.
>A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and
'taint mine.
>A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
>He had a photographic memory that was never
developed.
>A plateau is a high form of flattery.
>A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is
a small medium at large.
>Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.
>Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen
a mall.
>Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know
basis.
>Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

Humor

A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it's a free market
A toy company can outsource to a Chinese subcontractor and claim it's a free market
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it's a free market
We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico. We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh

We can purchase almost anything we want from many different countries
BUT,
heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their prescription drugs from a
Canadian (Or Mexico) pharmacy. That's called un-American!

And you think the pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful lobby?
Think again!

---

Humor It's best to read it out loud.


A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is
a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line
throws open the
door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains
that she is
incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the
entire plant
behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should
see this for
himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When
they get there
the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the
floor and they're really
beginning to pile up. At the end of the line
stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and
a big bag of
marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several
minutes of hysterics
he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm
sorry," he says to
her, (barely able to keep a straight face)" but I think you
misunderstood me
yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."

---

Humor
He misses Clinton

There was a black comedian on Canadian TV
who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!
"He was the closest thing we ever got to having a
black man as President.
"Number 1 - He played the sax.
"Number 2 - He smoked weed."
"and Number 3 - He messed with ugly white women.
"Even now - Look at him.....His wife works and he don't.
And he gets a check from the government every month."

---

WHAT WAS MY MOTHER THINKING?

How ever did we survive??? Life was sure different in days gone by.

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread
mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach,
but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter
AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember getting
E-coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead
of a pristine pool (talk about boring).

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and
a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE ... and risked permanent injury with a pair of
high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training
athletic shoes with air cushion soles and Built in light reflectors. I
can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they
tell us how much safer we are now.


Flunking gym was not an option ... even for stupid kids! I guess PE
must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a
lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and
hitting the wet spot.

How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have
sued the school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem
and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative
attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion
or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was
anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup
if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we
had then. Rememberschool nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.


I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station,
Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.

I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the
denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each
day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant
20, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and
fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner
thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up
for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a
self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah ... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I
got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent
bottle of Mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a
trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle
of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for
leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we
got our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too ... and then we got
butt spanked again when we got home.

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked
down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks
(Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough...it wasn't so that they
could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car
with leaded gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure
that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went
on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger
they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn't even know
that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an
automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive.

How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only
psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his
tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know
that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they
were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We
were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

Think on it!

Humor

This is fascinating... While drinking a cosmopolitan, contemplate the following:


Vodka.. Who would have thunk it??

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.
The solvent dissolves the adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray
bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash
clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth
dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills
germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your
safety
razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the
blade
and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse
the
skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol
cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth
of
healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill
them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag,
and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pac for aches, pain, or black
eyes..

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers,
fill
the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three
days. Strain
liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and
pains.

11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine tablespoons powered cinnamon
with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container for two weeks.
Strain through
a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and rinse your mouth. Don't
swallow.

12. Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out.

13. If a blister opens, pour ! vodka over the raw skin as a local anesthetic
that also
disinfects the exposed dermis.

14. To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two teaspoons crushed
rosemary,
let sit for two days, strain through a coffee filter and massage into
your scalp
and let dry.

15. To treat an earache put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let set for a
few
minutes. Then drain. The vodka will kill the bacteria that is causing
pain in
your ear.

16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back
as a liniment.

17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

19. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol
oil
from your skin.

20. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb
some
of the alcohol to numb the pain.

AND
21. If all else fails, just turn the bottle up and drink it, nothing will
matter anymore anyway!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take,
but by the moments that take our breath away

---

Are you a "green" person? Some info for ya if you a greenie

Solution for Airline Problems

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

To: The airline industry
Dear Sirs,
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, while at the
same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men
of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we
should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a
naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would
start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman.
We would have no more hijackings and the airline industry would have
record sales. Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still
have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

---

Former Vice President Al Gore has just given a major speech on the environment and global warming, before a packed house of MoveOn members in New York. The speech was deeply moving, sometimes humorous, and ultimately scathing in its critique of the Bush administration's assault on our environment.

View it:
http://www.moveon.org/gore3/webcast.html

---

There is NO such thing as a dum question, there are some that come close, "I haven't got a computer. Is the Internet available in book form?"

There is nothing new about this “funny”. I put it in more as a political statement than a joke because now we don't have this kind of a country anymore. Think about it. If you’re not a multi-Billion dollar international corp. with your own political persons bought and paid for you’re nothing but a means to a CEO's dreams.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
> You have two cows.
> You sell one and buy a bull.
> Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
> You sell them and retire on the income.
>
> ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
> You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,
> using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
> execute a
> debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
> cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six
> cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly
> owned by the majority
> shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed
> company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an
option
> on one
> more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you
> with
> nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys
your
> bull.
>
> AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: DISNEY, K-MART, etc.
> You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of
> four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
>
> A FRENCH CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> You go on strike because you want three cows.
>
> A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
> ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow
> cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.
>
> A GERMAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once
> a
> month, and milk themselves.
>
> A BRITISH CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> Both are mad.
>
> AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
>
> A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> You count them and learn you have five cows.
> You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
> You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
>
> A SWISS CORPORATION:
> You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
> You charge others for storing them.
>
> A HINDU CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> You worship them.
>
> A CHINESE CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> You have 300 people milking them.
> You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman
> who reported the numbers.
>
> AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
> So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
> They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie
> rights.
> They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
>
> A WEST VIRGINIA CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> That one on the left is kinda cute.

---

Top Idiots of the year 2003, 1 thou 7.

> Number One Idiot of 2003
> >
> > I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at
the
> > poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
> > she
> > caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
> the
> > ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
> > into
> > the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation
> > happened
> > to
> > mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
> > kill
> > the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
> > Emergency
> > room right away.
> >
> > Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
> >
> > #########################################################
> >
> > Number Two Idiot of 2003
> >
> > Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal
> > a
> > life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out
> > of
> > the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
> river,
> > they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned
> out
> > that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
> > activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at
> > Boeing.
> >
> > Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
> >
> > ############################################################
> >
> > Number Three Idiot of 2003
> >
> > A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
> Branch
> > and
> >
> > wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While
> standing
> > in
> >
> > line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
> > someone
> >
> > had seen him write the note and might call the police before he
reached
> > the
> >
> > teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the
street
> > to
> > the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed
> his
> > note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his
> > spelling
> > errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him
that
> > she
> > could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
> > America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
Wells
> > Fargo
> > deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
> >
> > Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was
arrested
> > a
> > few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
> >
> > Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it
anyway.
> >
> > ################################################################
> >
> > Number Four Idiot of 2003
> >
> > A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
> > measured
> > his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in
> the
> > mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he
> > sent
> > the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he
> > received
> > a
> > letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of
> > handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
> >
> > Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking
> > about)!
> >
> >
> > ################################################################
> >
> > Number Five Idiot of 2003
> >
> > A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all
> > of
> > the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag,
> > the
> >
> > robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on
the
> > shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
> cashier
> > refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The
robber
> > said
> > he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he
didn't
> > believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out
of
> > his
> >
> > wallet and gave it t to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed
> > that
> > the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The
> robber
> > then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called
the
> > police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off
the
> > license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
> >
> > This guy definitely needs a sign.
> >
> > ###############################################################
> >
> > Idiot Number Six of 2003
> >
> > A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
> > revolvers.
> >
> > The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the
> > startled
> > first bandit shot him.
> >
> > This guy doesn't need a sign; he probably figured it out himself.
> >
> > ###############################################################
> >
> > Idiot Number Seven of 2003
> >
> > Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that
> > he'd
> >
> > just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
> > booze,
> > and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
> > the
> > window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on
the
> > head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was
> > made
> > of
> > Plexi- Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
> >
> > Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!
> >

Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote.

---

An oldie but a goodie! I had to read the hold dam thing before I remember how she make out.

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning
with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and
insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she
had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to
deposit. She paced her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The
president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much
money.

The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president
was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that
your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the
president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the
president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of
money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles,
turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he
was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and
reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the
$25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made
the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so
that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the
president. Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his
head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing
that and she replied,

"Oh, it's probably because I bet him, $125,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning, I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

---

From a female bartender in a Piano Bar in the Central Valley of CA.:
First one:
What's the differance between a
HoBo and a Homo?
A HoBo has no friends and a Homo has friends up the ass.

A guy walk in to a bar and he got a frog on his forhead. The bartender asks him, "Why do you have a frog on your head"?
And the FROG looks at the bartender and says, "Oh! NO, this morning I had a wart on my ass".

And this, the last, is real an "in joke" for bartenders, but; "How can you tell if your customer is a lover of Moose head"? By the antler marks on their hips".

---

Changes in the Earth Animal Behavior

Animals are great teachers and leaders. When an animal behaves in an unusual way it is important for mankind to pay attention. Animals have lived on planet earth since the beginning of time and can see and feel things that people are unaware of.

Warning signs are available to help us prepare for the earth changes in a balanced and constructive way. There are many predictions about earth changes now flooding the airwaves. Although many of these prophecies are accurate there are many more that are not. Some of the most reliable prophets are those of the animal kingdom. Because animals use their instincts to survive they are acutely attuned to any changes that might threaten their lives.

Listed below are some of the warning signs the animals offer us. We can choose to accept or reject them. Please use your own discernment regarding them.
* * *
Warning Signs
Cause & Effect

Warning:
The bears come out of hibernation during the winter months changing sleep habits and becoming aggressive.
Cause:
The magma starts to rise in what is believed to be dead volcanoes. The ground will warm up and the bears will
think it is spring.

Warning:
When snakes begin to migrate out of their dens.
Cause:
The snakes will feel the earth tremors taking place which will drive them out of their dens.

Warning:
The birds appear confused and start flying in unusual formation. Aggressive behavior is noticed and results in a change of their migratory flight habits.
Cause:
As the magnetic fields begin to shift birds start to correct their migratory flight paths because of the new alignment taking effect on earth.

Warning:
When domestic dogs and cats begin to show signs of odd behavior, nervous energy and restlessness.
Cause:
Domesticated animals are hearing sound waves that are not normally within their known territory.

Warning:
Increasing numbers of flying insects with unusual aggressive behavior.
Cause:
More airborne and man made viruses. Insects will feed as well as breed on them.

Warning:
When marine life starts to beach themselves in numbers, or become agressive and initiate attacks on man.
Cause:
Polluted waters and chemical toxins in the oceans, rivers and streams affect their sensory organs and behavior patterns.

* * *
"An Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt. He said, I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one.
The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart"?

The grandfather answered, "The one I feed."

SOME RAMBLINGS of a RETIRED MIND
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my
garage door opener.

---

Humor
Surgery

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to
each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when
I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I
was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

---

A truck driver
was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is
right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are
backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

---

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

---

Screwed again?

A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it's a free market.

A toy company can outsource to a Chinese subcontractor and claim it's a free market.

A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it's a free market.

We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico. We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh and Mauritius.

Airlines and many other "service oriented industries" move their customer support departments to India and hire locally to save millions. If you have spoken to one of them you probably had a 40% increase in your blood pressure and did not get your problem resolved!


We can purchase almost anything we want from many different countries BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their prescription drugs from a Canadian (Or Mexico) pharmacy. That's called un-American!

And you think the pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful lobby? Think again!

Take one of these a day till they run out:

SOME RAMBLINGS of a RETIRED MIND
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway.

SOME RAMBLINGS of a RETIRED MIND
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
beer cans!


SOME RAMBLINGS of a RETIRED MIND
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have
something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
........ ...............

SOME RAMBLINGS of a RETIRED MIND
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it
"Pumping Rust."
........................

SOME RAMBLINGS of a RETIRED MIND
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ... that's when your chest
is falling into your drawers! .........................

SOME RAMBLINGS of a RETIRED MIND
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have
you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
..........................

SOME RAMBLINGS of a RETIRED MIND
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case
of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
............................

SOME RAMBLINGS of a RETIRED MIND
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they delivered the mail?


SOME RAMBLINGS of a RETIRED MIND
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their
finals.

---

DID YOU KNOW? And now that you do, will it make a differance;

That America is a freedom of religion country and that in the early stages of building our country George Washington stated that "this is NOT a Christian nation, it is a freedom of religion nation"

If people would realise this we could have less bigotry and fewer people trying to push their beliefs as the only valid form of worship.

The founding fathers of America were all Masons. Washington DC is full of astrological symbols carved and implanted in most all of it's buildings. The very lay-out of the city is Masonic symbology.

As for the 10 Commandments posted on buildings and the carving of Moses, those are of Jewish origin, not Christian. Higher degree Masons are Kabbalists, that's where it comes from.

I suggest a very good book on the subject called:
The Secret Architecture of Our Nation's Capital: The Masons and the Building of Washington, D.C. by David Ovason

"Know America, know freedom.
No America, no freedom."

Contributor, people I know in OR

---

Humor
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans
do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor
and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in
foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment,
leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously:
"What part did you get?"

---

Humor

For a peck a the latest auto add-on:
http://www.suburbanautogroup.com/videoView.html

---

Humor

They say, whoever THAT is, "That the smartest people ask the most questions..."

Afew simple question;

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why doesn't toothpaste ever go rotten?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

How come when you first pull the drapery cord the drapes always move
the wrong way?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner reach down pick it up examine it then put it down to
give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use
them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?

What is the point of brick wallpaper?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? (* I especially liked this one. *)

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

If an optimist fell from a ten story building would he yell out to his friends 'All right so far' as he passed each floor?

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you
bounce.

---

Some abuse of you you should know of if you use a cell phone. lick. Look for Monday, Jan.5, 04 title is "Cell phone user now being abused..."

---

JUST A THOUGHT
D, Advising at keen

OK, put this # everywhere you think you should, on or by all phones, inside cabinet under kitchen sink, in the bathroom cabinet under the sinks there. Put it in your cell phones too. Remmber, when you need it, you'll be in a panic and remmbering "the one place You put it years ago" might be one or any one of the above. Save a life....

This # from the American Academy of Pediatrics, http://www.aap.org/. In a new policy statement, the AAP recommends that syrup of ipecac no longer be used routinely as a home treatment strategy, http://www.aap.org/advocacy/releases/novpoison.htm

Control your life, don't LET life control you,

---

A Short Thought or feeling...
"The Danger of the SOUNDBITE" and the 30 min. news show"

Did you know that 52 of the 55 signers of the
Declaration of Independence were orthodox, deeply
committed Christians? The other three all believed in the
Bible as the divine truth, the God of scripture,
and His personal intervention.

It is the same Congress that formed the American
Bible Society. Immediately after creating the
Declaration of Independence, the Continental Congress
voted to purchase and import 20,000 copies of scripture
for the people of this nation.

Patrick Henry, who is called the firebrand of the
American Revolution, is still remembered for his
words, '"Give me liberty or give me death."' &! nbsp;
But in current textbooks the context of these words
is deleted. Here is what he actually said: '"An
appeal to arms and the God of hosts is all that is
left us. But we shall not fight our battle alone.
There is a just God that presides over the destinies
of nations. The battle, sir, is not to the strong
alone. Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be
purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid
it almighty God. I know not what course others may
take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me
death."'

These sentences have been erased from our
textbooks. Was Patrick Henry a Christian? The following
year, 1776, he wrote this: '"It cannot be emphasized
too strongly or too often that this great Nation was
founded not by religionists, but by Christians; not
on religions, but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
For that reason alone, people of other faiths have
been afforded freedom of worship here."'

Consider these words that Thomas Jefferson wrote on
the front of his well-worn Bible: '"I am a real
Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines
of Jesus. I have little doubt that our whole
country will soon be rallied to the unity of our Creator.
"' He was also the chairman of the American Bible
Society, which he considered his highest and most
important role.

On July 4, 1821, President Adams said, '"The
highest glory of the American Revolution was this: it
connected in one indissoluble bond the principles of
civil government with the principles of
Christianity."'

Calvin Coolidge, our 30th President of the United
States reaffirmed this truth when he wrote, '"The
foundations of our society and our government rest
so much on the teachings of the Bible that it would
be difficult to support them if faith in these
teachings would cease to be practically universal in
our country."'

In 1782, the United States Congress voted this
resolution: '"The Congress of the United States !
recommends and approves the Holy Bible for use in all
schools."'

William Holmes McGuffey is the author of the
McGuffey Reader, which was used for over 100 years in our
public schools with over 125 million copies sold
until it was stopped in 1963.
President Lincoln called him the '"Schoolmaster of
the Nation."' Listen to these words of Mr.
McGuffey: '"The Christian religion is the religion of our
country. From it are derived our notions on the
character of God, on the great moral Governor of the
universe. On its doctrines are founded the
peculiarities of our free institutions. From no source
has the author drawn more conspicuously than from the
sacred Scriptures. From all these extracts from the
Bible I make no apology."'

Of the first 108 universities founded in America,
106 were distinctly Christian, including the first,
Harvard University, chartered in 1636. In the
original Harvard Student Handbook, rule number 1 was
that: Students seeking entrance must know Latin and
Greek so that they could study the scriptures: '"Let
every student be plainly instructed and earnestly
pressed to consider well, the main end of his life
and studies is, to know God and Jesus Christ, which
is eternal life, John 17:3; and therefore to lay
Jesus Christ as the only foundation for our children
to follow the moral principles of the Ten
Commandments.'"

James Madison, the primary author of the
Constitution of the United States, said this: '"We have
staked the whole future of our new nation not upon the
power of government; far from it. We have staked the
future of all our political constitutions upon the
capacity of each of ourselves to govern ourselves
according to the moral principles of the Ten
Commandments."'

Today, we are asking God to bless America. But, how
can He bless a Nation that has departed so far from
Him? Prior to September 11, He was not welcome in
America. Most of what you read in this article! has
been erased from our textbooks. Revisionists have
rewritten history to remove the truth about our
country's Christian roots.

You are encouraged to share with others, so that
the truth of our nation's history will be told.

---

ON BEING A COWBOY
So what's wrong with being a cowboy? by Susie
Freeman, Reporter
Columnist
One of the accusations aimed at President Bush by
his detractors is to
call him a "cowboy," as if this is some mark of
shame, implying
something sinister or simple-minded. I keep
wondering why. Have you
ever watched a rodeo?
They've started interviewing the contestants after
they compete, giving
the audience a little glimpse into the character of
these athletes,
something like the ones conducted preceding title
fights and following
basketball and football games.
They go something like this;
"Cody, you made a spectacular ride, which moves you
into first place.
How do you feel about your position as the number
one bull-rider in the
country?"
"Well, ma'am, (notice the use of a term of respect,
a vanishing social
custom among most Americans under the age of 30),
I've been real lucky.
I've drawn some good bulls and everything has
fallen into place for me
this year. Some of my competitors have had some
injuries and bad luck.
I just hope I can stay healthy."
Before his closest competitor comes out of the
chute, this cowboy then
climbs up on the fence and helps him tie on his
rigging. He gives that
same guy a high five at the side of the arena when
he's beaten by two
points on the ride he helped him prepare for.
How many times have you seen an arena full of rodeo
fans take to the
streets following a competition and set fire to
cars or hold an
impromptu riot because they felt dissatisfied with
the final outcome, as
Michigan State students recently did?
There is no booing of officials when scores are
announced. I've never
heard of a contested call by any competitor, even
when it meant the
difference between winning and losing.... Cowboys
don't whine.
Cowboys regularly loan each other equipment and
even horses, frequently
valued at $50,000 to $100,000 per animals, when a
fellow competitor's
ride didn't arrive in time for tonight's roping or
bulldogging or
whatever.
When 'The Star Spangled Banner' is played, to a man
and woman they rise
to their feet and put their hats over their hearts
in respect.
They don't wear T-shirts bearing offensive sexual
messages.
When a cowboy (or cowgirl) is injured, the rest
hold fund-raisers and
donate time and money to help him or her and their
families through a
rough financial time.
A lifetime achievement is the day when a contestant
reaches $1 million
in earnings. To reach that goal, he or she has
spent about 15 years
practicing and suffering dozens of injuries,
traveled hundreds of
thousands of miles from rodeo to rodeo, frequently
with their toughest
competition, who also happens to be their best
friend.
Headlines never seem to carry news of a
world-champion bull rider or
calf roper beating up his wife or being arrested
for molesting under-age
girls.
And they, too, have their groupies and some even
have failed marriages,
sad victims of the vagabond lifestyle necessary to
follow the rodeo
circuit.
They seem to know who their fathers are and most
often seem to be
married to the mothers of their children. They
thank their families for
their successes.
So, I have to ask: What's wrong with being
described as a "cowboy?"
It seems to me to be high praise in a world full of
folks with
questionable moral standards, technicolor hair,
bodies adorned with
rings and tattoos in startling locations and no
respect for anything of
value or worth.
It seems our "cowboy" president is in some pretty
good company. Better than he should get credit for.
Sure beats being a Frenchman thou. But then again I've know, though history, that that's just the way the French are.
Ride 'em.

---

Color pics now coming in from Spirit on Mars. lick to Mars rover mission website.

D, Advising at keen

---

Humor


New Calif. Drivers Application...

For those of you that don't live in California, I've
POSTED the form so if you visit you'll know what to
expect.

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to
live in California, here is a copy of the California
Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real
hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions
(and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may
not have realized that the California Department of
Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application
and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles
Metropolitan Area.



2003 STATE OF CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION


Name:___________________ Stage Name: __________________

Agent:___________________ Attorney:____________________

Therapist name:_________________

Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly Male ___Formerly
Female ____Both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______ Will
the size of your implants hinder your ability to
safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No___



Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
________________________________________________ use
extra pages, if necessary.


Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ]
Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading


Please indicate how many times you expect to:
a) Shoot at other drivers _____
b) Be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch
your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
cellular phone company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should :
a) Stop your car.
b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy
sessions per week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following
medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
If less than 1 hour, please
explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and
insurance form ready.
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the
405 Freeway.
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to
attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.


When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) Using your directional signals.
b) What is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) The wiper blades
b) The belts
c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
a) Security
b) Convenience
c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) Dark, poorly lit roads
b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) Revenge!

---

News On the Mars rover "Spirit":
NASA's Spirit rover has sent its first images from Mars, showing a landscape scattered with small rocks that brought cheers from scientists.

D, Advising at keen

Ok, back home again. Nice too. Now to get moved back in and do things like laundry and go shopping for food and get the smail-mail in house and done.

And I found a note from the midwest when I got home, thought I should share it...


Because of misunderstandings that frequently
develop when Easterners and
Californians cross "God's Country" such as
Illinois, Michigan, Indiana,
Ohio, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri,
Minnesota, North Dakota,
and South Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils
have adopted a set of
information guidelines.

In an effort to help outsiders understand the
Midwest, the following list
will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did
more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the
gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow
you drive, you're going
to get dust on your Navigator. I
have a four wheel drive because I need it.
Drive it or get it out of
the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were
seven years old. Yeah,
we shot Bambi We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about
our women will get you
whipped ... by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod.
Don't cry to us if a
flathead catfish breaks it off at the
handle. We have a name for those little trout
you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of
mallards are making their final
approach, we will shoot it! You
might hope you don't have it up to your ear at
the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can
buy a fifth for what you
paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
Order steak, rare or
medium or, you can order the
Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of
ham, bacon, and turkey.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be
brown, wet, and served over
ice.

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you
drive on weekends. We're
real impressed. We have quarter
of a million dollar Combines that we use two
weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one or two
stoplights in town. We stop
when they're red. We may even
stop when they're yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks
--because they want to. So,
you're a feminist, isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle.
You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available at the bait
shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get
over it. Don't like it?
Intestates 70, 80 & 90 go two
ways--Intestates 29, 35, 55, 57 and 69 go the
other two. Pick one and
use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer
season. It's a religious
holiday. You can get breakfast at the
church. (Also refers to first day of Walleye
fishing in Minnesota)

17. So every person in every pickup waves, it's
called being friendly,
understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the
water hazard. It spooks
the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled
you over for driving like
an idiot...his name is "Sir" ... no
matter how old he is.

Now that you understand our culture, enjoy your
visit.

Some Newspaper Humor

---

THE BEST OF 2003's, ACTUAL HEADLINES:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Hi,
Still on that vacation, back to normal next Monday thou. Or at lease home, have all that snall-mail to go though. Hope your had a Happy New Years Eve.
D, Advising at keen

HUMOR
>> Happy New Year Everyone.
**********************************************************************

> > Three girls all worked in the same office with
the
> > same female boss.
> > > Each day, they noticed the boss left work
early. One
> > day the girls decided that, when the boss left,
they
> > would leave right behind her. After all, she
never
> > called or came back to work, so how would she
know
> > they went home early?
> > > The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did
> > a little gardening, spent playtime with her
son, and
> > went to bed early.
> > > The redhead was elated to be able to get in a
quick
> > workout at the spa before meeting a dinner
date.
> > > The blonde was happy to get home early and
surprise
> > her husband, but when she got to her bedroom,
she
> > heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and
> > quietly, she cracked open the door and was
mortified
> > to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! >
> Gently, she closed the
>door and crept out of her
> > house.
> > > The next day, at their coffee break, the
brunette
> > and redhead planned to leave early again, and
they
> > asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.
> > > "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got
caught
> > yesterday."

TIME MARCHES ON

---

Do you know what happened back in Dec. of 1850?
California became a state.

Back then, the state had no electricity.
There was no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the middle of the streets.

It was pretty much just like California is today.

Humor


A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only
took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The
mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter
was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with
a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The
mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you
paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's
just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and
three wise men came. I'm not going to miss it this time.

Humor

Two guys are moving about in a Walmart when their carts collide.

One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass.

What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours

Humor
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods
searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with
hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. And I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

*** Humor
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were
sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan
Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the
perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
******************************END

Taking a Chrismas Vaction till Monday Jan. 5, will do my best to kept up but can't say if computers will be there for me. Check in and like I said, I'll do my best". See how much of a type A I can be.
D, Advising at Keen, but not till 1-05-04, TY

***Golf Humor
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the
Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "I'm Father O'Malley."
**************************************END

***NEWS
HERZLIYA, Israel (AP) Prime Minister Ariel Sharon says Israel will "cut itself off from Palestinians" if there is no progress toward peace in a few months.
*************************end

To the ladies!

Taking a Chrismas Vaction till Monday Jan. 5, will do my best to kept up but can't say if computers will be there for me. Check in and like I said, I'll do my best". See how much of a type A I can be.
D, Advising at Keen

Here a link to keep you from forgetting what Enron did to us, Listen to it http://www.fleshtwister.com/enron.html
and DONT FORGET THIS THE NEXT TIME YOU VOTE

****OK! lets try the Humor thing again
BOTTOM OF THE GENE POOL


MORON#1
**********
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took
the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MORON #2
***********
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun.
Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS
A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard
completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because
he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief
got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker
later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MORON #3
***********
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So
he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder
block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught
on video tape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MORON #4
***********
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse
and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a
detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then
taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied
"Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MORON #5
***********
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in
Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him
down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When
the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MORON #6
**********
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the
machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel
off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck! Scared, they left
the scene and drove home......with the chain still attached to the machine.......with
their bumper still attached to the chain...... WITH their vehicle's license plate
still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#7 and 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!!
******************************************
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street,
he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill
man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that
the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the
motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
******************************************END

****NEWS

New York Giants Fire Coach Jim Fassel

34 minutes ago


By TOM CANAVAN, AP Sports Writer

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. - Coach Jim Fassel was fired by the New York Giants (news) after a disappointing season that began with hopes of reaching the Super Bowl.
I GUESS IT NOT HUMOR ANY MORE TO SOME, SORRY...
**********************************END

***SPORTS HUMOR From Barbie
Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came
up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret
and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the
offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love
with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "He plays for the New York Giants, but I was
too embarrassed to say so.
********************************************END

***[Feeling of let-down, that how I feel.]
By MARGARET LILLARD, Associated Press Writer

KILL DEVIL HILLS, N.C. - A bald eagle soared into the sky Wednesday, a symbol of flight, as a poncho-clad crowd cheered the 100 th anniversary of man's first powered, heavier-than-air flight. But a heavy downpour scuttled plans to re-enact the flight 100 years to the minute after the seminal event.
I was up, as usually, but I was looking for all the TV cover of the "re-enactment" all over all the channels. They gave us the President's speech and that was it. I was there to 34 mins. after the hour. The pres was gone at something like 10 mins. after 7 and I couldn't find a thing by 34 after. We did get the Pres and his wonderful speach. It was raining. It's now one hour later and I don't know if they flow or not. But we did get THE SPEECH.
OK, around 2 hours late, with not enought wind there was a try at getting off the ground. And MSNBC did carry it. Oh! Did they get it in the air, part of it maybe. Well they try a 2 nd time? Maybe. I'll let ya know.
***END

Taking a Chrismas Vaction till Monday Jan. 5, will do my best to kept up but can't say if computers will be there for me. Check in and like I said, I'll do my best". See how much of a type A I can be.
D, Advising at Keen

Taking a Chrismas Vaction till Monday Jan. 5, will do my best to kept up but can't say if computers will be there for me. Check in and like I said, I'll do my best". See how much of a type A I can be.
D, Advising at Keen

More Humor from Medabeth this time on "only in CA" and it's ture
(it could be months before we hear from her again)
You know you're in California when......
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are
visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a
house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people
carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair,
a nose ring, and
is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two
mothers and a sperm
donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your
coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between
Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest
arugula.
9. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move
you to tears.
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY
TV broadcast.
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere
else in the U.S.
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia
and crotchless
chaps. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at
Starbucks wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George
Clooney really IS George
Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house
payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is
gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay
rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a
report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH 2003."
19. You have to leave the big company meeting
early because Billy
Banks himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.
20. You pass an elementary school playground and
the children are
all busy with their cells or pagers.
21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you
leave for work an
hour early to avoid all the weather-related
accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. Both you AND your dog have therapists
24. Your Governor has a star on the Hollywood Walk
of Fame.
***END

More Humor

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from
the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a
conversation in the men's
restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered,
somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!" And the other guy says: "So what
are you up to?" What
kind of question is that?
At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so
I say: "Uhhh, I'm like
you, just traveling!" At this
point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can
when I hear another
question.
"Can I come over?" Ok, this question! n is just too
weird for me but I
figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell
him, "No........I'm a little
busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...


"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an
idiot in the other stall who
keeps answering all my questions!!!"

This one came in to me from a lady friend, thanks Medabeth
****END

Humor

Things we learn as we get older, "Today I learned that Santa no longer arrives in a red sleigh, but drives a big brown truck". Per Frank.

D, Advising at keen

And here a web pager that's fun http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm

Any one who would gave up freedoms are safety, will get neither,


D, advicing at keen

"We Got him!" now I can call San Francisco " Badhdad by the bay" again.

And on the "spam" side of things, We may have a couple of them now too. WE have trails in this part of the world to find out for sure.
"Virginia indicts two on spam felony charges". Link to the full story.


D, Advicing at Keen

******* G Rated Humor *******

In the back woods of South Carolina, the redneck's
wife went into labor
in
>the middle of the night, and the doctor was called
out to assist in the
>delivery.
>Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the father-to-be a
lantern
>and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see
what I'm doing."
>Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa
there," said the
doctor.
>"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I
think there's yet
another
one
>to come."
>Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a
baby girl.
>"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting
down that lantern...It
seems
>there's yet another one in there!" cried the
doctor.
>The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment,
and asked the doctor,
"Do
you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
****************************** END***

Any one willing to gave up freedom for safty, will get neather,
D, Advicing at Keen

NEW WORDS FOR 2004 - Essential additions for the
workplace vocabulary:


1.BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group,
discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was
responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes
a lot of noise,
craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people
seem to absorb success
and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather
than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an
entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
(Yep..know this
one...)

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops
something loudly in a
cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the
walls to see what's
going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's
answer to the couch
potato.

8. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on
being stressed out
and whiney.

9. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been
rendered useless
because the magnetic strip is worn away from
extensive use.

10. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free
photocopies from one's
workplace.

11. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of
whacking the crap out of
an electronic device to get it to work again.

12. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational
layers beginning just
above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from
the adminisphere are

often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to
the problems they were
designed to solve.

13. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World
Wide Web error
message"404 Not Found," meaning that the
requested document could not
be located.

14. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape
that are exactly the
same no matter where one is, such as fast food
joints, strip malls,
and
subdivisions.

15. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time
in which you realize
that you've just fu**ed up BIG time.

16. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while
passing thru a cube
farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and
disgust: leads to PRAIRIE

DOGGING.
**********

First entry on the first day of the Blod for lets
D, Advicing at Keen