Now, Thanks to Bill I can put PICs on the blog

---

So, I thought you should see what a Server looks like. These are the things that put web-pages on the web



Now I'll be using images to make the point and send alone jokes that are pics.

MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Men drivers!

---

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my
left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I
looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over
in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my
electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which
fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big John and the
Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an
important call.

Damn women drivers!!



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

HOW BLONDE WAS SHE? I know but these are new and SO GOOD

---

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
>She thought a quarterback was a refund.
>She thought General Motors was in the Army.
>She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
>She thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.
>At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote
>"Scorpio."
>
>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
>She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
>She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
>She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
>She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
>Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on
Phonics".
>
>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
>She tripped over a cordless phone.
>She spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice can because it said
>"Concentrate." She told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK"
and

>"DON'T WALK." She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
>She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
>
>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
>She studied for a blood test.
>She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
>She sold the car for gas money.
>When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. When
she

>went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she
>turned around and went home.
>
>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
>When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
moved.

>She thought Taco Bell was Mexico's phone company. She thought if she
>spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. She thought she could only use
her

>AM radio in the morning. She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she
>thought stood for "This Goes In Front"




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Hopfuly, we can still laugh at HMO jokes

---

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."

St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager and helped people get cost-effective health care."

St. Peter said, "You can come in too."

As the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter quietly added,

"But you can only stay three days... After that you can go to hell."




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Humor -G- from Squeezit Liver-head, that me

---

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some
silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose...



Follow the instructions to find YOUR new name. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey: The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first
name:
a = poopsie
b = lumpy
c = snotty
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = stinky
k = flunky
l = boobie
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = buttercup
t = tulefel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of
your
new last name:
a = apple
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = burger
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = bubble
p = hamster
q = toad
r = chuckle
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = gizzard
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of
your new last name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toe
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.

Now, when you SEND THIS ON, use your NEW name as the subject or at the top.
And remember that, children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day.

Put more laughter in your life!!! Maybe we should start a club?



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

The Porsche

---

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a late-model Porsche and his
parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He
calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his
parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one
cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like
that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street,"
said the boy. "I don't know her name---they just moved in. She saw me
ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen
dollars."

"Oh, Mercy," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows
what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going
on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the lady lived and found her
out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the
father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and
demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii
with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell
his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Cleaning Tips

---

Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and
leave it alone.

Cobwebs: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the
bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that
the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And
spoil the mood?"

Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sown play animals
for underprivileged children.

Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle
the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den,
but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

Painting: Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall
with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say,
"Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident and I haven't had he
heart to clean it."

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four
cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in
conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch
and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

When you thought I wasn't looking,

---

A message every adult should read, because children
are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a
stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my
favorite cake for me and I learned that the little
things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a
prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk
to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of
your time and money to help people who had nothing and
I learned that those who have something should give to
those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care
of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have
to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't
feel good and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come
from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things
hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you
cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of
life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and
productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and
wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when
you thought I wasn't looking."

I AM SENDING THIS TO ALL OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW

WHO DO SO MUCH FOR OTHERS, THAT THINK NO ONE
EVER SEES.

LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT.

Each of us, parent or friend, influence the life of a
child. Today I said a prayer for you. How will you
touch the life of someone today? Just by sending this
To someone else, you will probably make them at least
think about their influence on others.




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

I AM THE FATHER

---

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy
replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest
looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

What should they say?

---

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to
an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends
and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear
them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear
them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family
man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's
moving!"



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

EMAIL OF THE YEAR, as voted on by woman

---

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:



"Dear Lord:


I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.


He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.


The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."


The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."





Voted Women's Favorite Email of the Year





MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A note from Senator Boxer on WEST NILE VIRUS

---

I received the following email from Senator Boxer from one of our contributors
this morning concerning West Nile Virus, which is a very serious disease.
He happen to be on her contact list, and I know most Californians & others are likely not on such a list.

The message is important to us all, and I would ask you share it with all of your friends and family.

Have a great day.

I thought you would be interested in the following
message.

===================================================

Dear Friend:

Many of us have watched as West Nile Virus has spread across
the nation, carried by infected mosquitos. This season, signs
of West Nile Virus have been found in several California
counties early in the year, suggesting that this could be an
especially bad year for this disease. I have a special feature
on my website to give Californians important information about
the disease, and steps to take to avoid exposure. You can find
this feature at http://boxer.senate.gov/wnile.cfm .

Though most people have no visible symptoms from
West Nile Virus, it can cause serious illness and even death
in the elderly or those with compromised immune systems.
It can also be carried by and cause death in birds and other
mammals. Prevention is essential if we are to fight the
spread of West Nile. I hope you will visit my web feature to
learn more about what you can do to protect yourself and your
community.

I encourage you to contact me if you have questions
about this or any other federal matter. You can reach me at
http://boxer.senate.gov/contact/webform.cfm .

Sincerely,

Barbara Boxer
United States Senator




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

It's a "got ya"

---

http://nice-tits.org/ enjoy and it's a safe web site. I've made sure of that...


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Anyone who has a computer should love this!

---

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error
messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict
construction
rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the
first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to
communicate a
timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful
insight
through extreme brevity. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
-----------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
---------------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
-------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
---------------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
---------------------------------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
---------------------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
------------------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
---------------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Talking In Church

---

Six year old Angie and her four year old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked
out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she hissed at Joel.

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel shot back.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?"

Joel nodded.

"They're hushers."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker

---

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Abbott calling Costello

---

Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.

Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

Abbott: Yes, that's correct.

Costello: No, what is it?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So, which is the one?

Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Costello: Stop this. Who are you?

Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.

Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

Abbott: Use 'what'.

Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.

Costello: Which one?

Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.

Costello: I want to find the revision code.

Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.

Costello: Which command will do what I need?

Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.

Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.

Costello: Write what?

Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Costello: Cut that out!

Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.

Costello: Do you always do this?

Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.

Costello: HELP!

Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

Costello: You make me angry.

Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.

Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.

Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.



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going crazy

---

'You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the US of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the world's tallest basketball player is Chinese'


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"One of mine is worth more then ???? of your"

---

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a
road

when they hear a voice call from behind a sand
dune: "One Marine is better than ten Iraqi". The Iraqi
commander

quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune
whereupon a

gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few
minutes, then

silence. The voice once again calls out: "One
Marine is better than one hundred Iraqi." Furious, the
Iraqi

commander sends his next best 100 troops over the
dune and

instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10
minutes of battle,

again silence. The Texan voice calls out again:
"One

Marine is better than one thousand Iraqi." The
enraged

Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends
them to the other

side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns,
grenades, rockets and

cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is
fought.... Then

silence. Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi
fighter

crawls back over the dune and with his dying words
tells his

commander, Don't send any more men......it's a
trap. There's two

of them."




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Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no need for two people to remember the same thing and...

---

Here's how To Impress That Woman:
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Wr! ite love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man:
* Show up naked ... Bring chicken wings ... Don't block the TV


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Bread is the staff of live.

---

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very
short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store,
glances at the clerk and glances at
the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt
(or lack thereof )
and the location of the raisin bread,
he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please,"
the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder
to reach the raisin bread, which is
located on the very top shelf.

The young man standing almost directly
beneath her is provided with an excellent view,
just as he surmised he would.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he
really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread,
one of the other male customers notices what was going on.

Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf
of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady
seems to catch the eye of another male
customer.

Pretty soon, each male customer is asking
for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated
and thinking that she is really going to have
to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes,
glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd,
staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip,
she yells at the elderly man,

"Is yours raisin, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."



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My Son the Vet

---

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a
week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me
money, and what don't need I give to the church."

The pastor replied... "That's wonderful. How much does
he send you?"

The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week.

The pastor was amazed... "Your son must be very
> successful, What does he do for a living?

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says.
"Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly....

"Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."



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OK, yeah, it another blonde joke. But then again there blondes

---

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "Peel and Win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming: "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...



You're gonna love this......













W I N A B A G E L

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MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

---

> GENERAL TIPS
> 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
> 2. Always identify people in your yard
before shooting at them.
> 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
> 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is
time to change the sheets.
> 5. Even if you're certain that you are
included in the will, it is still considered tacky
to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
>
> FOR ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
> 1. A centerpiece for the table should never
be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
> 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the
> table...no matter how good his manners are.
>
> FOR PERSONAL HYGIENE
> 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly,
> this is a job that should be done in private using
> one's OWN truck keys.
> 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall
> bathing for several days. However, if you live alone,
>deodorant is a waste of good money.
> 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is
a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a
>woman's jewelry and alter the taste of
> finger foods.
>
> FOR DATING (Outside the Family)
> 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook,
> especially on the first date.
> 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're
> interested:
> "I've been wanting to go out with you
since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
> 3. Establish with her parents what time she
isexpected back. Some will say 10:00PM.
>Others might say "Monday". If thelatter
is the answer , it is the man's responsibility
to get her to school on time.
>
> ON THEATRE ETIQUETTE
> 1. Crying babies should be taken to the
lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
> 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the
> screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
>
> ON WEDDINGS
> 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for
a wedding gift.
> 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds
> may get you shot.
> 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A
> leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling
>shirt can create a tacky appearance.
> 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks
and shoes for this special occasion.
>
> ON DRIVING ETIQUETTE
> 1. Dim your headlights for approaching
> vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer
is in sight.
> 2. When approaching a four- way stop, the
> vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
> 3. Never tow another car with panty hose and
> duct tape.
> 4. When sending your wife down the road with
a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back a beer.
> 5. Do not lay rubber while in a traveling funeral
> procession.
> END
>
> ===============================================
> sign off:
>
"One useless man is called a
disgrace
two useless men are called
a law firm
and three or more usseless men are
a congress"
>
> John Adams



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Stand by your man?

---

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"
"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

I think you're, "bad luck." --



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BELIEFS:

---

I believe -
that we don't have to change friends
if we can understand that friends change.

I believe -
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every
once in a while and you must forgive
them for that, and move on.

I believe -
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I believe -
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I believe -
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be,
the type of person my dog
already thinks I am.

I believe -
that you should always leave loved ones
with loving words. It may be the last
time you see them.

I believe -
that you can keep going
long after you KNOW you can't.

I believe -
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I believe -
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I believe -
that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had
better be something else to take
its place.

I believe -
that money is a lousy way of
keeping score.

I believe -
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I believe -
that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down,
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe -
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that nothing gives me
the right to be cruel.

I believe -
that just because someone doesn't love
you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe -
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe -
that we should give an extra listen
to people who have celebrated
a lot of birthdays
they may just know
something we don't.

I believe -
that it isn't always enough to be
forgiven by others. Sometimes you
have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe -
that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe -
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we were,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe -
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

I believe -
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a
secret. It could change your life forever
in ways you never dreamed.

I believe -
that two people can look at the exact
same thing and see something totally.
different. And neither one is wrong.

I believe -
that your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe -
that even when you think you have no more
to give, when a friend cries out to you
you will find the strength to help.

I believe -
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I believe -
that the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.

I believe -
that heroes are the ordinary people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.



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Stress diet

---

Forget Adkins....here is my new diet!

> >As the stress of the day builds...
> >
> >This is a specially formulated diet designed to help
> >cope with the stress that builds during the day.
> >
> >BREAKFAST
> >1 grapefruit
> >1 slice whole-wheat toast
> >1 cup skim milk
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >LUNCH
> >small portion lean, steamed
> >chicken with a cup of spinach
> >cup herbal tea
> >1 Hershey's Kiss
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >AFTERNOON TEA
> >The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
> >1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream
> >with chocolate-chip topping
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >DINNER
> >4 glasses of wine (red or white)
> >2 loaves garlic bread
> >1 family size Supreme pizza
> >3 Snickers bars
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >LATE NIGHT SNACK
> >1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake
> >(eaten directly from the freezer)
> >
> >
> >
> >REMEMBER:
> >"Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts"


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Married

---

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned the
>same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially
>embarrassed
>and quite uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep
>quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. >
>
>At about 2: 00 AM, he leaned over and gently woke the woman, saying,
>"Ma'am,
>I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
>to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "
>
>"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
>we're married."
>
>"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
>"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."


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A Groaner

---

-------------------
The clerk requested identification from a department-store customer
who had just written a personal check for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what she
said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.



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Lost

---

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced

altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago,

but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering

approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41

degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west

longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is,

technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not
been much help at all. If nothing, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where

you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of

hot air. You made a promise that you've no idea how to keep, and you

expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in

exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,

somehow, its my fault ~~~



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A good chuckle for you

---

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too
Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In
Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get >From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk..

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With
a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And
Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And
Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers..

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a
Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And
a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee
Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile


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BRAIN TEST

---

Try this simple calculation to test your brain.
Don't use a calculator.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What is the total? (Scroll down for answer.)







Did you get 5000?
Well, the correct answer is 4100. Don't believe it?
Check with your calculator or just add up the 1000 and then add up the other amounts!
If you got the correct answer the first time, then good for you!
If you got 5000, don't worry...you're normal!


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Wishes will come true

---

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb
making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very
uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my
butt."
I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an
oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American
flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am
Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
God Bless America!


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Ponder These

---

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we
still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he
knows where all the bad girls live.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters
wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as
mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands
with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest
speaking and there is no woman around to hear him,
is he still wrong?

It there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what
they do "practice"?



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A Sign Of The Times

---

>Two Iraqis meet in California.
>
>One starts to greet the other in Arabic, the language of
>their native country.
>
>The other Iraqi waves him away contemptuously and says,
>
>"Dummy, we're in America now. Speak Spanish."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Things are looking up, the stroy

---

This is a laugh for all those women out there who so look forward to that wonderful time once a year when they get to "intimate" with their OB/GYN doctor!

In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays $1000 - $5000 for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $5000.00. I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "t hat area" to make sure it was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my six-year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Spacewander, your trip into space

---

A first class website

http://spacewander.com/USA/english.html


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

TEST FOR DEMENTIA...

---

" GOOD LUCK "
TEST FOR DEMENTIA...

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As
we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain, so..... Below is a very private way to
gauge youross or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test
and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."

OK, relax, clear your mind and.... Begin:

1. What do you put in a toaster?




Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do
something else. Try not to hurt
yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?




Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt
the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such as
"Children's World."

If you said "water," proceed to question 3

3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made
from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black
house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?





Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, "green bricks,"
what the devil are you still doing reading these questions?????

If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.
If you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany
and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines failed.
The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing,
decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third engine fails
before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and the plane crashes smack
in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.

Where would you bury the survivors? . . . in East Germany or West
Germany or in "no man's land"?



Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING
else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a
plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated

If you said, "Don't bury the survivors," proceed to Question 5.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute
how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?





Answer: One degree! . If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other
than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but
you are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the room.

Everyone else proceed to the final question.


6. Without using a calculator - - You are driving a bus from London
to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get
off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?




Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!!



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

THE THINGS PEOPLE SAY...

---

#1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

#2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

#3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

The Lottery

---

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the
driveway, runs into the house,
slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags.
I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "That's GREAT! What should I
pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get out."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Politically Incorrect, and that me. Oh and if your looking for political, well that my other blog

---

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. ________________________________________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
_______________________________________________________________________
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock. ________________________________________________________________________
New Sex Study...It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead. ________________________________________________________________________
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink." ________________________________________________________________________
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
_______________________________________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!" _______________________________________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice. "What do you think?" I asked "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." ________________________________________________________________________
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Chuckles

---

What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
> > >1 US leader.
> > >
> > >What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
> > >Their balls are just for decoration.
> > >
> > >What is a Yankee?
> > >The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
> > >
> > >What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers?
> > >Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.
> > >
> > >What is the new O. J. web site address?
> > >slash.slash.backslash.escape
> > >
> > >What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
> > >Erotic is using a feather...kinky is using the whole chicken.
> > >
> > >How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> > >One....Men will screw anything.
> > >
> > >How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> > >One, but it takes the entire ER staff to remove it.
> > >
> > >What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
> > >Beat it - we're closed.
> > >
> > >Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
> > >To find a tight seal.
> > >
> > >Why is air a lot like sex?
> > >Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
> > >
> > >What is another name for pickled bread?
> > >Dill-dough.
> > >
> > >Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
> > >She's withholding evidence.
> > >
> > >What is the difference between light and hard?
> > >You can sleep with a light on.
> > >
> > >Why is sex like a bridge game?
> > >You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
> > >
> > >What is the height of conceit?
> > >Having an orgasm and calling out you're own name.
> > >
> > >What is the definition of macho?
> > >Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
> > >
> > >What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
> > >You can't hear an enzyme.
> > >
> > >What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
> > >One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with,
> > >the other is used to carry groceries.
> > >
> > >What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office?
> > >They're hiring.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Something I think to be interesting from Ed Lamaster

---

Superdiamonds?


Scientists working at the Russian Academy of Sciences and Los Alamos National Laboratory announced the discovery of superconductivity at ultracold temperatures in cubic diamond. The discovery offers the potential for a new generation of diamond-based device applications and even suggests that superconductivity in silicon or germanium, which also forms in the diamond structure, may be possible.

In findings published in today's issue of the scientific journal Nature , the Russian - American team of scientists report their discovery of superconductivity in a boron-doped diamond-structured carbon material that had been synthesized at very high pressures and temperatures. The diamond material was fabricated in Russia by scientists working at the Institute for High Pressure Physics (IHPP) at the Russian Academy of Sciences and brought to Los Alamos where superconductivity in diamond was discovered.

According to Vladimir Sidorov, a scientist who works at both IHPP and Los Alamos, "gem diamonds are desired for their sparkling brilliance and extreme hardness. This discovery of a totally unexpected new facet of diamond enhances its desirability, not to the well-attired, but to science and technology."

Diamonds conduct heat more effectively than copper and can withstand very high electric fields. These properties are the result of the ways in which electrons arrange themselves in the atomic structure of diamond. This same electron arrangement makes it impossible for diamond to conduct electricity. However, by subjecting a graphite and boron carbide mixture to pressures of nearly 100,000 atmospheres and temperatures of roughly 4,000 to 4,600 degrees Fahrenheit, scientists were able to transform diamonds from a 'supergem' to a superconductor that carries electricity with no resistance at a temperature of minus 450 degrees Fahrenheit.

Boron atoms have one less electron than carbon atoms and because of their small atomic radius boron atoms are relatively easily incorporated into the diamond atomic structure. Separately, both boron and diamond are not electrical charge conductors, but instead are quite good insulators. Once they are combined, the resulting diamond becomes doped with electrical charge carriers. Incorporating a small number of these charge carriers in diamond allows fabrication of transistors, but adding more carriers creates superconductivity.

While there is a great deal of research yet to do, the discovery of superconductivity in diamond-structured carbon suggests that new forms of diamond-based integrated circuits may be possible. Silicon or germanium, which also form in the diamond structure, may also exhibit superconductivity under certain conditions. Although it is highly speculative at this point, this means that someday scientists might be able to create a form of superconducting silicon that would allow computers to operate even faster than imagined.

Ed Lamaster
Ed Lamaster is the CEO of SystemIntegrity, LLC, a Sacramento-based information security company. He is also a weekly guest on the Poppoff Show, Saturday mornings on AM1380-KTKZ. You can contact him by email at elamast@systemintegrity.com or toll-free at 866-SAFE-BIZ. Website: http://www.systemintegrity.com/
END



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Why man die first...

---

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race...you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard..there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your
lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet.....it's male indifference.

If you cry......you're a wimp.

If you don't.......you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy...... that's domination.

If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.

If you don't.......you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape.........you're sexist.

If you don't...........you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.

If you don't...............you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers............you're after something.

If you don't...................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........ you're full of yourself.

If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.

If you have a headac! he...... .......you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.

If you don't..........there must be someone else.

Men die first, because they......WANT to.




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/shopping partner is taking their sweet time:

---

>
>1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when
they aren't looking
>2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms 4.
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in
housewares......and see what happens
>5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away
>6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area
>7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department
>8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'
>9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your
nose
>10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.
>11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme
from "Mission Impossible"
>12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
size funnels
>13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
ME!", "PICK ME!"
>14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
>And last but not least:
>15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell
loudly "There is no toilet paper in here"


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".