A ToastMaster Misstake

---

A good Irish man, Mike O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at
who could make the best toast.

Mike O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life Between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home
and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

Mike said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life Sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, Mike!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of Mike's toasting buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Mike won the prize the other
night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been
there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come!"


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

BUMPER STICKERS WE'D LIKE TO SEE:

---

> >18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!"
> >
> >17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
> >
> >16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
> >
> >15. The proctologist called...they found your head.
> >
> >14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
> >
> >13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
> >
> >12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
> >
> >11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
> >
> >10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
> >
> >9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
> >
> >8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
> >"Everybody But Me."
> >
> >7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
> >
> >6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
> >
> >5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you..
> >
> >4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
> >
> >3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be
out by itself.
> >
> >2. Hang up and drive!!
> >
AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!!
> >
> >1. Welcome to America .. now speak English


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

I'd would really rather

---

A man walked into the local welfare office,

>marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I

>hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a

>job,"

>The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing

>is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy

>man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his

>nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a

>big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties

>are provided. Because of the long hours of this job,

>meals will also be provided and you will also be

>required to escort the young lady on her overseas

>holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a

>year!"

>The man said, "You're bullshitting me

>man!"

>The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

I was thinking...

---

A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push
to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall
we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things, someone was always home.

We only had a living room
where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime
in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set,
and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips
that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor
there was Lipton's® onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare
because my mother liked to cook,
And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.

The snacks were even healthy
with the best ingredients,
No labels with a hundred things
that make not a bit of sense.

Weekends were for family trips
or staying home to play,
We all did things together --
even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips
depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because
we liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate
to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies
with your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare to
watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees
and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together
with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball --
and no game video.

Remember when the doctor used
to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance
or a lawyer to defend?

The way that he took care of you
or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath
and strived to do the best for you.

Remember going to the store
and shopping casually,
And when you went to pay for it
you used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe
or punch in some amount,
Remember when the cashier person had to really count?

Remember when we breathed the air; it smelled so fresh and clean,
And chemicals were not used
on the grass to keep it green.

The milkman and the bread man
used to go from door to door,
And it was just a few cents more
than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters came right to your door,
Without a lot of junk mail ads
sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent;
There were not loads of mail
addressed to "present occupant."

Remember when the words "I do"
meant that you really did,
And not just temporarily
'til someone blows their lid.

T'was no such thing as "no one's fault; we just made a mistake,"
There was a time when married life was built on give and take.

There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles
trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls fins, and really had some style.

One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed record
called a forty-five.

The record player had a post
to keep them all in line,
And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
And always we were striving,
trying for a better way.

And every year that passed us by
brought new and greater things,
We now can even program phones
with music or with rings.

Oh, the simple life we lived
still seems like so much fun,
How can you explain a game,
just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel red machines
had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier
and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology
but I sure miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we,
and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce
and walk down memory lane.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Staying a breast

---

> Perfect Breasts
> (o)(o)
>
> Fake Silicone Breasts
> ( + )( + )
>
> Perky Breasts
> (*)(*)
>
> Big Nipple Breasts
> (@)(@)
>
> A Cups
> o o
>
> D Cups
> { O }{ O }
>
> Wonder Bra Breasts
> (oYo)
>
> Cold Breasts
> ( ^ )( ^ )
>
> Lopsided Breasts
> (o)(O)
>
> Pierced Nipple Breasts
> (Q)(O)
>
> Hanging Tassels Breasts
> (p)(p)
>
> Grandma's Breasts
> \ o /\ o /
>
> Against The Shower Door Breasts
> ( )( )
>
> Android Breasts
> | o | | o |
>
> Mammogram Breasts
> ___ ___



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Farm Humor

---

Farm Humor

A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Wage and Hour Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.

The farmer says, "That would be me."


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Quotations from comics. They get better as you read

---

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
> > natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Tom
> > Clancy
> > ______________________________________________________________
> > "You know 'that look" women get when they want sex?
> > Me neither." Steve Martin
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't
> > have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand,"
> > Woody Allen
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a
> > date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "There are a number of mechanical devices which
> > increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief
> > among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." Lynn Lavner
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog
> > vacation at the taxidermist." Matt Barry
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a
> > rope." Camille Paglia
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.
> > The other eight are unimportant." George Burns
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake
> > whole relationships." Sharon Stone
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter
> > what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple
> > Computers)
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess" on
> > it; so I said "Thyroid problem?'" Arnold
> > Schwarzenegger
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a
> > sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men
> > dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
> > son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson
> > _______________________________________________________________
> > "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or
> > where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no
> > matter how bad it is," Barbara Bush (Former US First
> > Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of
> > humor!)
> > _________________________________________________________________
> > "Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip
> > out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin
> > Williams
> >
> ________________________________________________________________________
> > "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
> > think of it as the only time of the month that I can
> > be myself." Roseanne
> >
> ________________________________________________________________________
> > "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
> > place." Billy Crystal
> >
> ______________________________________________________________________
> > "According to a new survey, women say they feel
> > more comfortable undressing in front of men than they
> > do undressing in front of other women. They say that
> > women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
> > just grateful." Robert De Niro
> >
> ________________________________________________________________________
> > "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are
> > reporting that many men are having allergic reactions
> > to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.
> > So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
> >
> ________________________________________________________________________
> > "There's very little advice in men's
> > magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing.
> > Just show me somebody naked.'" Jerry Seinfeld
> >
> ________________________________________________________________________
> "Instead of getting married again, I'm going
> > to find a woman I don't like and just give her a
> > house." Rod Stewart
> >
> _______________________________________________________
> > "See, the problem is that God gives men a
> > brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at
> > a time." Robin Williams
> > ______________________________________




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A 30 year difference

---

30 year difference

>1974: Long Hair
>2004: Longing for hair
>
>1974: The perfect high
>2004: The perfect high yield mutual fund
>
>1974: KEG
>2004: EKG
>
>1974: Acid rock
>2004: Acid reflux
>
>l974: Moving to California because it's cool
>2004: Moving to California because it's warm
>
>l974: Growing pot
>2004: Growing pot belly
>
>1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>
>1974: Seeds and stems
>2004: Roughage
>
>l974: Killer weed
>2004: Weed killer
>
>l974: Hoping for a BMW
>2004: Hoping for a BM
>
>l974: The Grateful Dead
>2004: Dr. Kevorkian
>
>l974: Going to a hip joint
>2004: Receiving a new hip joint
>
>l974: Rolling Stones
>2004: Kidney stones
>
>l974: Being called into the principal's office
>2004: Calling the principal's office
>
>l974: Screw the system
>2004: Upgrade the system
>
>l974: Disco
>2004: Costco
>
>l974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
>2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
>
>l974: Passing the driver's test
>2004: Passing the vision test
>
>2004: Whatever
>2004: Depends
>
>AND....
>
>Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change
>things. Each year the staff a Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a
>list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's
>incoming freshmen. Here is this year's list:
>
>The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in
>1985.
>
>They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
>
>Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
>
>Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
>
>The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
>
>They have always had an answering machine.
>
>They have always had cable.
>
>They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
>
>Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
>
>Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
>
>They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
>
>They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
>
>They don't know who Mork was or where he came from.
>
>They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or
>"de plane Boss, de plane."
>
>They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
>
>McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
>
>They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
>
>Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies in your life.
>
>You know you are living in 2004 when:
>
>1. Your reason for not staying in touch with some family and friends is
>because they do not have e-mail.
>
>2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
>
>3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she
>can create a screen saver.
>
>4. You pull up in your own driveway and use the cell phone to see if anyone
>is home.
>
>5. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of
>the screen.
>
>6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out-of-date and sells for
>half the price, or less than you paid for it.
>
>7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
>first 20 or 30 years of life, is now a cause for panic and you have to turn
>around and go get it.
>
>8. Using real money, instead of a credit or debit card, to make a purchase
>would be a hassle and take planning.
>
>9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
>
>10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
>
>11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
>
>12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
>
>13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
>
>14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
>
>15. You disconnet your internet and you get this awful feeling, as if you
>just pulled the plug on a loved one.
>
>16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
>
>17. You wake up at 2:00 A.M. to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on
>your back to bed.
>
>18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
>
>19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
>
>20. Even worse, you know exactly who you are going to forward this to!!!

21(from me). 20 is wrong, Even worse I know which of my 3 blogs I publish this. Cause e-mail is too dangerous. And if you read my TECH BLOG you know that now you can get a virus and not do anything more than "just open up an email". Go see for your self. The entery is only a few day old. It should be easy enough to find.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A Brief History of Computing

---

Enjoy
http://www.ox.compsoc.net/~swhite/history/



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

New Barbie Dolls - Enjoy This One Ladies

---

Finally a Barbie that real woman can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change,
and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

I'm in good company this time, last time we were on differant sides

---

http://www.barbrastreisand.com/news_statements.html#gala
Read the blog of Barbra Streisand
Posted on March 8, 2004
"How can anyone legislate who you can love?..."

THE STRUGGLE FOR EQUAL RIGHTS CONTINUES

Remarks by Barbra Streisand Upon Her receipt of The
Human Rights Campaign Humanitarian Award, March 6, 2004

© Barbra Streisand 2004
I have been fortunate to receive a few awards in my lifetime, and I always appreciate them, but I must say that this is a very special one because the gay community has supported me from the very beginning. I know that this is a challenging moment in your history. So I am very proud to accept this award from the Human Rights Campaign at this time. You are on the frontlines in the struggle for equal rights, even as continued prejudice stands in the way.

The American Constitution is a magical document that has evolved over 200 plus years. While we revere it, it did not start out as a perfect document. This Republic was founded with a Constitution that counted slaves as three-fifths human. It took decades and a Civil War, the deadliest in U.S. history, to erase that stain upon our country. It took over 100 years to bring women into the political system by giving them the right to vote. Interracial marriage was illegal in some states until 1967. Now the Bush Administration wants to change the positive inclusive direction of our Constitution by calling for an amendment that authorizes discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

Well, I say, no way. Dr. Martin Luther King taught us that the arc of history is long, but it bends towards justice. We must always go forward, towards greater liberty and greater equality, not backward.

You know, for me, the realization that two people should have the right to form a sacred union regardless of their gender was strengthened when I saw a performance of the play The Normal Heart in 1985. After feeling the love those two men had for each other, I dare anybody not to want them to get married by the end.

The law cannot dictate matters of the heart. When two people form a deep bond, there is usually a soul connection, and the soul has no gender. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are fundamental rights in this country. Happiness can be many things - a good meal, a good friend, a warm puppy, and certainly...love. How can anyone legislate who you can love? That is a human right, the right to love and be loved.

And when you love someone, whether you're in a heterosexual or same-gender relationship, shouldn't you be able to visit them in the hospital when they're sick or dying? Shouldn't everyone have the right to enter into a loving, legally binding, committed relationship that takes on special responsibilities and obligations?

Current civil union legislation doesn't go far enough in protecting equal rights. We must not deny gay families many of the benefits that help keep families strong...social security, pensions, veteran's support, inheritance, the right to take unpaid leave to care for a spouse...the list goes on and on.

Instead of helping families, this president wants to spend a billion and a half dollars to bolster marriage. Turning government into a marriage counselor is a joke...a waste of time and money. It's not a policy; it's a diversion.

But this administration regularly uses the politics of diversion to their advantage. They cleverly use divisive cultural issues to avoid talking about other serious problems, such as unemployment and healthcare. They go after Saddam because they can't find bin Ladin ... They want to send missions to Mars instead of protecting the Earth... Tax cuts for the wealthy instead of assisting the poor...

You have to look at what Bush does, not what he says. Talk is cheap. He expresses empathy for military families and then cuts their benefits...He names a proposal "The Clear Skies Initiative" that pollutes the planet...He says he'll be a uniter and then drives us apart...He steals the slogan "No Child Left Behind" and then breaks his promise to fund his reforms.

Truly, I stand here flabbergasted at what is going on in today's world. Never in my life have I witnessed a president and an administration that is so out of step with the needs of the country, so threatening to our future and so abusive in its use of power.

The Clinton administration left this country with a budget surplus, and also a surplus in the goodwill we shared with our allies. Now we have a deficit in both.

Before the war in Iraq, I went to hear Scott Ritter speak - he had been a weapons inspector for seven years. He told us there was no imminent threat to the United States, that the program to develop nuclear weapons had been dormant since 1998. There was no connection between Iraq and al Qaeda (one is a secular society and the other fundamentalist), that chemical weapons have a short shelf life and wouldn't be usable today...in short, everything Scott Ritter told us has turned out to be the truth.

But this president (the only one to cut taxes during a war) made terrorism a partisan cause. He charged Democrats with being soft on terror, a lie. He appointed John Ashcroft to trample our civil liberties as Attorney General, and, from a human rights point of view, his use of Guantanamo Bay has roused international protest.

Now as the president gears up for his re-election campaign, the right wing propaganda machine is ready to take the skin off of John Kerry, the Democratic Party's nominee. I've never seen anything as ruthless or as relentless as this. They can take a slur hatched at the Republican National Committee or a lie huckstered by the Heritage Foundation, repeat it on Fox, hit it on Limbaugh, print it in the Wall Street Journal, until it's coming out of every media outlet imaginable. Repeating lies over and over doesn't make them any more true. But it does make people believe the lies a little more until finally they stop demanding the truth.

I've seen their ferocity up close, as I witnessed the astounding assault on the CBS movie about Ronald Reagan, in which my husband starred and Craig and Neil produced. They attacked that movie and drove it off network television before any of them had ever seen it.

The Right Wing is very well-organized. They fight dirty. They project their own nastiness onto their opposition. Remember how they accused the Democrats of stealing the election in Florida, while they themselves were doing just that!

We're now in a period that whenever you say something that's critical of the government, you are accused of being unpatriotic. Bush even lent himself to an utterly despicable campaign in Georgia that impugned the patriotism of Senator Max Cleland, who had sacrificed three limbs in the same Vietnam War that the president ducked. Talking about patriotism, let's never forget Bush's fellow Republican, Teddy Roosevelt, who in 1918 said, "To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."

Indeed, this country now faces a fundamental choice. Multilateral security or pre-emptive wars. Closing or widening the gaps between the haves and the have nots. Facing the truth or accepting the lies. The public taking an interest or tuning out. Extending our rights or turning them back.

Mr. Bush will dress himself up as a compassionate conservative once more for the election, but he has embraced a remarkably radical policy, which I pray the public finally sees. The mishandling of national and economic security. The shameless politics of special interests and crony capitalists. (And when you talk about special interests it's important to differentiate between public interests that benefit the larger good of the people, like protecting the environment or finding a cure for cancer, versus the special interests that are limited to a particular industry or corporation, like Enron or Halliburton).

Bush recently pushed through a prescription drug bill that actually gives a better deal to the drug companies than to the seniors who need the drugs. And what about the new energy plan that actually increases our dependence on Persian Gulf oil (even though he recently said just the opposite in his State of the Union speech).

The Republicans will try to win the election by convincing the American public that they are the father figures who can keep us safe. But the facts contradict the myth. Two and a half years after the largest attack on American soil, our borders remain easily penetrable. We have the capacity to inspect only 2% of cargo containers coming into our country. Local law enforcement has been weakened by spending cuts, and our intelligence lacks manpower and updated technology. And which party's budget provides the most for homeland security? The Democrats!

This president is so transparent. The only way he would agree to investigations of the mishandling of intelligence leading up to the Iraqi war, is if we wait until after the election to get the reports. Has this administration no shame? What job are we not doing that has allowed them to pull the wool over the eyes of the American people?

But...there is hope. It's starting to turn. I can feel it. The media is finally asking the president and his staff the tougher questions, and looking into the issues that should have been investigated years ago. The people are speaking out at all levels from the grassroots to Washington. All of the good work so many people are doing is finally making a dent. We won't be scared into submission.

What should scare us is that we have no checks and balances on this administration. They control the White House, the Senate, the House of Representatives and the Supreme Court. All we have is each other. So each of us must do what we can to create positive change in November. I know the Human Rights Campaign will be at the center of the struggle for equality. And let's be smart...Let's be pragmatic...Let's not allow the Republicans to use gay marriage as a political tool in this election year. Truth and justice eventually wins out.

I am proud to stand with you tonight as the recipient of this prestigious award. Together we can and we will win the fight.




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I told ya, more of the same. And this maybe "the end" too.

---

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to
32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it had been invented
anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arkansas trooper pulls over a pickup on I-35 and says to the driver,
"Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come'on this is
funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out
the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up
in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a couple gets divorced,
they are STILL cousins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".
The bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, "Well, what do ya do in
Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a
tax-e-dermist?
"The man says,"I mount animals".
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys,
he's one of us."

See these CAN still work, even years after he's left office. Think about it.

MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Oil Shortage

---

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer. "Nobody bothered to check the oil."
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Humor - I hope you think so

---

How can you tell if a Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco
juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in mysink," and the clerk replies, "Go
ahead."

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved
widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 15.

More to come...

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A small near-Earth asteroid (NEA), discovered Monday night & here 3-18

---

http://neo.jpl.nasa.gov/
The object, designated 2004 FH, is roughly 30 meters (100 feet) in diameter and will pass just 43,000 km (26,500 miles, or about 3.4 Earth diameters) above the Earth's surface on March 18th at 5:08 PM EST (2:08 PM PST, 22:08 UTC).

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HUMOR - How to handle an earthquake in Mexico

---

Mexican Earthquake

A big earthquake, measuring 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America!


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Can you be a 4th grader?

---

Can you pass 3rd grade?

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A - REMINDER - from K, in CA

---

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom. She must
have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the
earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just
inside the door of the Store.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up
their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the
sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the
world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came
pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were
all caught in "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Let 's run through the rain!" She repeated.

"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom,
let's run through the rain,"

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young
girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not
get wet?

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer,
you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through
anything!"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear
anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the
next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what
she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being
silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of
affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be
nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain If GOD
let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as
they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their
shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they
were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the
way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your
material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away
your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So,
don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories
everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under
heaven.

A friend sent this to me to remind me of life.
Hope you enjoy it.

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE
RAIN.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to
appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget
them. Send this to the people you'll never forget and remember to also
send it to the person who sent it to you. It's a short message to let
them know that you'll never forget them.

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in a hurry.

Take the time to live!!!

Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when
you'll need each other -- and don't forget to run
in the rain!

God makes everything but unbreakable hearts.



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I knew it, I just knew it.

---

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra.


3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A Thought

---

My Drug Problem:

I had a drug problem when I was young.
I was drug to church on Sunday morning,
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to familyreunions no matter the weather.
I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday.
I was drug by my ears when disrespectful to adults and teachers.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents.
Those drugs are still in my veins today!
They affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think.
They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had
this kind of drug problem, America would certainly be a better place.
AMEN!

MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

See if you can be a 4th grader

---

Can you pass 3rd grade?


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Girls Night Out

---

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been decidedly
over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee. They were very near a
graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind headstone
or something. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd
take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however
was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers
but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on
one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made
off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These
damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night
without her panties"

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between
the cheeks of her butt that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll
never forget you'


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Disorder In The Court

---

These are supposed to be from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,nevertheless?
A:Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.




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A dark and then stormy night for a lady

---

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the
shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a
stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a
dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you
looking at, driver?"

"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just
wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at
the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"


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FOR THE LADIES

---

Ladies:
> To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
> with the potatoes.
>
> Real Women:
> Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry
> for up to a year.
>



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Trip to the Doc.

---

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he said.
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"


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HUMOR - FOR THE LADIES

---

> Ladies:
> Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
> cone to prevent ice cream drips.
>
> Real Women:
> Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone for
> Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with
> your feet up, eating it anyway.



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Being Over 50

---

CHAPTER 1: The Perks of Being Over 50
==============================
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.


CHAPTER 2: Games for When We Are Older
================================
1. Sag -- you're it.

2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

3. Twenty questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Musical recliners.

6. Doc Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.


CHAPTER 3: Signs of Menopause
=========================
1. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are
not amused, you shoot him.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives
you four hours of decent rest.


CHAPTER 4: Signs of Wear
====================

"OLD" IS WHEN . Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
lot.

And "OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes...



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Age Humor - THE 5 STAGES OF LIFE

---

THE 5 STAGES OF LIFE

>1. To Grow Up
>2. To Fill Out
>3. To Slim Down
>4. To Hold It In
>5. To Heck With It
>
And now that I've reached number 5 and a member
of the Senior Citizen group;

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8PM.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm a walking
storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the store room.

I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am doing okay!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Humor - Is my time up?

---

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
> >
> >
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to
live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have
a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. Following her final
cosmetic operation, she was released from the hospital.
> >
> >
While crossing the street on her way home, she was struck and killed by
an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I
had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that
ambulance?"
God replied, "Girrrrl, I didn't recognize you!"



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Humor - Is my time up?

---

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
> >
> >
> >God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to
> >live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have
a
> >facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to
> >live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. Following her final
> >cosmetic operation, she was released from the hospital.
> >
> >
> >While crossing the street on her way home, she was struck and killed by
an
> >ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I
> >had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that
> >ambulance?"

God replied, "Girrrrl, I didn't recognize you!"


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

A take-off on Jeff Foxworthy type funnies

---

The Great Northwest (Jeff Foxworthy comedy routine) You might be from the Pacific Northwest if:

1. You know the state flower is "mildew."

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, and Willamette.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: "rain followed by showers."

17. You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks."

18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

19. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

20. You can point to at least two volcano's, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.

21. You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.

22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.

23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

26. You knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's window was fake.

27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.

28. You measure distance in hours.

29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.

30. You use a down comforter in the summer.

31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.

32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

33. You know all the important seasons:
Almost Winter (Winter), Still Raining (Spring), Road
Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Mafia attorney

---

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million
dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if
you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull
the trigger."


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

An oldie but a goodie & still funny.....

---

Beware of the beans.....



One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Sammy, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Sammy could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Sammy's mother and said, "Ester, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Ester replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary..."


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Gas Prices

---

>Join the resistance! And a website that maybe of some help www.gaspricewatch.com

>I hear we are going to hit close to $3.00 a gallon by the summer. Want
>gasoline prices to come down? We need to take
>some intelligent, united action. Phillip Hollsworth, offered this good
>idea: This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't
>buy gas on a certain day" campaign that was going
>around last April or May! The oil companies just laughed at that because
>they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt"
>ourselves by refusing to buy gas.
>It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them.
>BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can
>really work.

>Please read it and join with us!

>By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.50 is super
>cheap. Me too! It is currently $1.97 for regular
>unleaded in my town.
>Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to
>think that the cost! of a gallon of gas is CHEAP
>at $1.50- $1.75, we need to take
>aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the
>marketplace....not
>sellers. With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers
>need to take action. The only way we are going
>to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing their gas!
>And we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. How? Since we all rely on
>our cars, we can't just stop buying gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas
>prices if we all act together to force a price
>war.

>Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY gasoline
>from the two biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON, SHELL and MOBIL. And here's a website that maybe of some help www.gaspricewatch.com
>If they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their prices.
>If they reduce their prices, the other companies
>will have to follow suit. But to have an impact, we need to reach
>literally millions of Exxon, Shell and Mobil gas buyers.
>It's really simple to do!! Now, don't wimp out on me at this
>point...keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

>I am sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it to at
>least ten more (30 x 10 = 300) ... and those
>300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000)...and so on, by the time the message reaches the
>sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION
>consumers! If those three million get excited and
>pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been
>contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED
>MILLION PEOPLE!!!

>Again, all You have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all. (If you
>don't understand how we can reach 300 million
>and all you have to do is send this to 10 people... Well, let's face it,
>you just aren't a mathematician.
>But I am ... so trust me on this one.)

>How long would all that take? If each of us sends this e-mail out to
>ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300
>MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!!! I'll
>bet you didn't think you and I had that
>much potential, did you! Acting together we can make a difference.
>If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on.

PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $1.30 RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK.
Here's that website again www.gaspricewatch.com


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Free Movies streaming over the net, not downloading

---

Free? online movies brought to you over the net, played live to you. Streaming, http://cultmoviesonline.com/ Limited number of movies, but FREE is GOOD.


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".