Top Excuses When Caught Napping at Your Desk

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

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"It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

"..in the Lord Jesus' name, amen."

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to."

"I was working smarter, not harder."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

"I'm in the management training program."

"I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) thatI learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broke...."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

"I was cross-training for telecommuting."

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands."

"The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."

"I thought you were gone for the day."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Senior Moments, or maybe not all that senior of a moment

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

The woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

On the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife during the return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant..and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,....... "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat... and credit card.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she strips naked from her neck
down, and rolls the dice while
yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!"

She hollers..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
Then she begins jumping up and down and
hugging each of the dealers.
With that she picks up her winnings and
clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other
dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks,
"What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Fun Link

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

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http://web.icq.com/shockwave/0,,4845,00.swf


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

From The PuterDiva - I AM THANKFUL...

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

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> > FOR THE HUSBAND WHO COMPLAINS WHEN HIS DINNER
IS NOT ON
> > TIME.......... BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME, NOT
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
> > FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING
> > DISHES.........
> > BECAUSE THAT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME & NOT ON THE
STREETS.
> > FOR THE TAXES THAT I PAY......
> > BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM EMPLOYED.
> > FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY.....
> > BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY
FRIENDS.
> > FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG.....
> > BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
> > FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK.....
> > BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.
> > FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED
CLEANING,
> > AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING......
> > BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
> > FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE
GOVERNMENT.....
> > BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WE HAVE FREEDOM OF
SPEECH.
> > FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF
THE PARKING
> > LOT..... BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF
WALKING AND THAT I
> > HAVE
> > BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.
> > FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL.....
> > BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.
> > FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH THAT SINGS OFF
KEY.....
> > BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I CAN HEAR.
> > FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING....
> > BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
> > FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF
THE DAY.....
> > BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING
HARD.
> > FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY
MORNING HOURS....
> > BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE.
> > AND FINALLY.......FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL.....
> > BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS AND FAMILY
THINKING OF ME.

B, AKA The PuterDiva of letsnet.org
MCP,MCT,MCSE,A+
Technical Instructor



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

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She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.


Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.


On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.


The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.


The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.


Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.


Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.


The patient refused autopsy.


The patient has no previous history of suicides.


Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.


Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight
gain in the past three days.


Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.


She is numb from her toes down.


While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.


The skin was moist and dry.


Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.


Patient was alert and unresponsive.


Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.


She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.


I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.


Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.


Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.


The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.


The patient was to have a bowel resection.
However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.


Skin: somewhat pale but present.


The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.


Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank,
who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.


Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.


Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.



By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.



I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when
he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.



The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to
dispose of him.



She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions
in early December.



The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a
picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually
deteriorated in the emergency room.



Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.



The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed.



Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to
work her up.



Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.


When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Letters To The Landlord... They Really Said It...

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

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The person next door has a large erection in his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

................

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

................

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

................

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

................

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout.
I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.

................

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

................

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

................

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

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Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

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Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

................

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

................

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

God vs Satan...

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.



Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme.



And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"



And Man said: "Yes!"



And Woman said: "I'll have one, too... with sprinkles."



And lo they gained 10 pounds.



And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.



And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.



And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.



So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."



And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.



And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.



God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."



And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.



And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.



Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.



Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.



And Man packed on more pounds.



God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.



And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.



And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.



God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.



And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.



Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"



And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"



And Satan said: " It is good."



And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.



God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.



Satan chuckled and created HMOs



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Pilot Error

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the
plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that
there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft,
the plane would re-board in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except
one gentleman who was blind. Mr.Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could
tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath
the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

The pilot approached the blind man, and calling him by name, said
"Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off
and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like
to stretch his legs.
All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill
when they look up and see the pilot walk off the plane with the
Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They
not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Have a great day and remember things aren't always as they
appear!!!!



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Dear Friends,

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

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I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this
year
and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for
me to
leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but
we had a
little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with
the 10
ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids
a-milking.

The 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7
swans
a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves
and the
partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my
reindeer are
in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation movement and some
people who
can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you
the things
you want.

This year I suggest you get your asses down to Wal-Mart before
everything is
gone.

Christmas Cheer to All,
Santa



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

OK, here's your Christmas Card from me

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

http://web.icq.com/shockwave/0,,4845,00.swf


MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Find out how you "Don't know everything"

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

So you think you know everything?........

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag!

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world!

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

............Now you know everything


Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming, "WOW! What a ride!!"



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

An easy test

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

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Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.


Ready? GO!!!
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.



Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this! Are you?



Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?



Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.




Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.



KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Don't try doing this LATE AT NIGHT

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

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Dementia Test
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert.

The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain, so.....
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the following test and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."

OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?


Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
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2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such as Children's World."
If you said "water," proceed to question 3.
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3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, "green bricks", what the devil are you still doing reading these questions?????
If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
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4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.
If you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing,
and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors?
... in East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated.
If you said, "Don't bury the survivors," proceed to the next question.
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5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the room.
>>>>>Everyone else proceed to the final question.
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6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!!



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Anthrax Scare at Canlestick Park

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

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News Release: Anthrax Scare at "Candlestick"

CNN: The San Francisco 49ers football practice was delayed nearly two
hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery
substance on the practice field. Head Coach Dennis Erickson
immediately suspended practice while San Francisco police and federal
investigators were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, forensic experts determined that the white
substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was
resumed after law enforcement officials decided the team was unlikely
to encounter the substance again.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

OK, this is what the Internet is coming to. This going to take time to load if you on Dail up. And 5 mins. or to run.

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

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Cows

MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

FICKLE FINGER OF FATE STORIES

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

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At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. "Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."

When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".