Let 'em eat cake...

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

How come when you mix water and flour together
>
> you get glue..
>
>
>
> and then you add eggs
>
>
>
>
> and sugar...
>
>
>
>
>and you get cake?
>
>
>
>
>
>Where did the glue go?
>
>
>
> You know darned well where it went!
>
>
>
>
>
> That's what makes the cake...
> Stick to your BUTT



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

CALIFORNIA

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:


1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation
in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named
Flower.
5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown,
and you can taste the difference between Sumatran! and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:
"STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy
with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early
to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here
illegally, they want to give you one.
21. No really, is pot illegal?



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Saturday Saturday

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

A Real Groaner.....
>
>
> For your pleasure I present the worst joke of the week..........
>
>A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer
>they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
>
>She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one
>thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
>around furtively, then speak to them.
>
>Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but
>occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money
>for something she carried in her bag.
>
>The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but
>since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
>
>After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you e ver noticed that
>she only approaches people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
>
>He hadn't, and said so.
>
>Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go
>lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
>
>Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up
>and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and
>then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
>
>Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly in a hushed voice.
>
>"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
>
>"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
>
>The man grinned and said, "She sells batteries."
>
>"Batteries?!" cried the wife with astonishment.
>
>"Yes,....." he replied calmly.
>
>
>SCROLL DOWN
>
>(You're gonna hate me for this...
>scroll down some more)
>
>
>
>
>A little bit more..........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>"She sells C-cells by the seashore."
>
>
>OUCH



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Qantas Airlines gripes and fixes - FUNNY

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
> >> mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
> >> and
> >> then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
> >> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here
> >> are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
> >> and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
> >> ?
> >> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
> >> accident.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> (P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
> >> (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
> >> ?
> >> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> >> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> >> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> >> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> >> S: Live bugs on back-order.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode
> >> produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> >> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> >> S: Evidence removed.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> >> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> >> S: That's what they're for.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: IFF inoperative.
> >> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> >> S: Suspect you're right.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> >> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> >> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly
> >> right, and be serious.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: Target radar hums.
> >> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> >> S: Cat installed.
> >> ----------------------------------------
> >> P: Noise coming from under instrument
> >> panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
> >> on something with a hammer.
> >> S: Took hammer away from midget



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

How can you tell if your church is in REDNECK country if...

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none
of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they
learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or
catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says,
"I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and
two
women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer
season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the
church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It
ain't
never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." ( I love it!)

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as
the "OK Chorale"

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of
500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred
to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the
organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think,
"rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is
a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were
donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates
are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell,
you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his
wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not
covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of
the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya hear?"



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.




MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Try this clock, it is SOOOO Coool

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

cool clock



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

*STRANGE NEWS*

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

Doesn't Share With Others

A Tennessee woman was arrested and charged with assaulting her husband. Apparently the woman engaged in sexual relations with another woman in front of her husband. He watched the two women for a while and then attempted to join them. His wife refused to let him join the sex party. After the other woman left, the wife argued with man about his attempts to hook up with the woman she had just had sex with. She then attacked him and kicked him out of the house. Talk about an unlucky guy, not only does he miss out ona prime opportunity for a three-way but he then gets beat up by his wife.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Missing Car

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about 'They took my car!'. Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the man.

"What are your car keys doing out?"

"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!"

"OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information." As he stands the man up, and he notices his penis is hanging out. "Aw shit mister, your dick is hanging out, would you put that thing away!"

The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams, "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

OOPS! Life's Most Embarrassing Moments

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

Big Peter
I was in the airport and had to go to the bathroom. it was very busy holiday
and there was a little line in the bathroom to wait. over in the corner was
a man and his son, the father was standing next to his little boy. suddenly
as loud as the boy could say he looked up at his dad and said " my daddy
what a big peter you have!" the father just kind of grinned and looked at
his son. then the boy asked, "is my peter going to be as big as yours daddy
when I grow up? I hope so." with that the father zipped up patted his son on
the back and exited the restroom, so that everyone could start laughing.


Send in by Mr. Rex in phoenix



A SLIP UP
Once I was going to the bathroom and I had a dress on. I went to a store
near by. When I got home I realized my dress was in my underwear. I was so embarrassed.

Sent in by Lucia


GOLF BALLS?
One day while my aunt was golfing with some of her friends they got backed up on the next tee. The foursome behind them arrived before they could tee up. One of the zippers on one of the men golf bag was unzipped. Aunt Pearl looked at him and replied. Mister you better do your zipper up or else you may loose your balls.

Sent in by James Craig


IT'S A FAIR COP
A few days after mum passed her first-aid certificate, we were out shopping when we came across a crowd standing round somebody on the ground. "Stand clear!" mum ordered, wrestling her way through. "I've done CPR!" I was so proud of the way she confidently took charge of things, until a police officer appeared and dragged her back. "Madam," he barked, "we are in the middle of arresting this man, so please stand clear!"

D. McLead, Tweed Heads, NSW


SECONDS ANYONE?
The office where I'd just started working held a farewell dinner for a senior executive at a new local Mexican restaurant. Everybody had settled in and ordered and a few minutes later a waiter appeared with dips and corn chips. What a great restaurant, I thought, supplying free nibbles before the main course. I politely handed them round the table. I was just imagining what a good impression I was making when my boss leant over and murmured in my ear: "Do you realise that's my entree you're offering everyone?"

Vicki Rankine, Toogoom, QLD


LADY GOLFER
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI


NUTS ABOUT YOU
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD


CURL UP AND DIE
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX


PAD PLEASE
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to jot the info down, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC


HO HO HO
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I
had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!

Name Withheld


THE BANK
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia


PRICELESS
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND
YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Name Withheld


THE TEACHER
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Chris Vaught

Next collection same time next year, if there's enough. Send your in now, use the "comment" link at the end of every entry.

MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Johnny Carson dies at 79, after retiring May of '92 from his 30 yrs. as host of "The Tonight Show"

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

Thank you so much, Johnny. Say "HI" to Ricky (Johnny's son) & Jack Parr, and RED (Red Shelton, another comic) for me. Emphysema, well I quit smoking. And drinking too now, the body just said, "No more of this". And thank you for your service in the Navy during WWII, my brother needed the ride to get him to the South Pacific. OH! And I love your Website too.

MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

2004's Best Answers

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

2004's top five -------------
Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check

tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket

and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket

not your stub."



Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,

but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a

stock boy, "Do These turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,

"No ma'am, they're dead."



Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding

rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The Kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When

the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without

a ticket.


Smart Ass Answer #2:


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up

that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is

right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed

up for miles.? Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his

car and walks to the truck driver,puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got

stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says,"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out

of gas."



AND NOW........FOR THE..........

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR? 2004........................



A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now

class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I

might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or

illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no

other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete

and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence

is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her

head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with

your other hand."



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

UP

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

Fun for everyone, but especially the lovers of the English language!

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP when it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP. For now, my time is UP, so.............

Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning
& the last thing you do at night? U P

[If you want to understand this last 'joke' read the letters aloud.]



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Volcanic Warming Eyed in 'Great Dying'

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

By RANDOLPH E. SCHMID, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - An ancient version of global warming may have been to blame for the greatest mass extinction in Earth's history.

In an event known as the "Great Dying," some 250 million years ago, 90 percent of all marine life and nearly three-quarters of land-based plants and animals went extinct.

Scientists have long debated the cause of this calamity — which occurred before the era of dinosaurs — with possibilities including such disasters as meteor impacts.

Researchers led by Peter Ward of the University of Washington now think the answer is global warming caused by volcanic activity. Their findings are reported in Thursday's online edition of the journal Science.

They studied the Karoo Basin of South Africa, using chemical, biological and other evidence to relate layers of sediment there to similar layers in China that previous research has tied to the marine extinction at the same period.

Studying a 1,000-foot thick section of exposed sediment, Ward's team found evidence of a gradual extinction over about 10 million years followed by a sharp increase in extinction rate that lasted another 5 million years.

Ward's team believes the extinctions were caused by global warming and oxygen deprivation over long periods of time.

Massive volcanic flows in what is now Siberia brought on the warming while, at the same time, geologic action caused global sea levels to drop, Ward explained in a telephone interview.

"Once you expose a huge amount of underwater sediment to the atmosphere, two very bad things happen — a huge amount of carbon in the sediments is released and also methane. Once (methane) hits the atmosphere it's the most efficient greenhouse gas on the planet," he said.

That provided a one-two punch of warming and a decline in oxygen levels, he said.

"Some of us have been toying with the idea that dinosaurs evolved to be a low-oxygen adaptation," resulting from this era, Ward said. "We know birds can live at much lower oxygen concentrations than we do, and we and think there were similar lung adaptations in dinosaurs."

Currently the atmosphere consists of about 21 percent oxygen, but the addition of gases at that time could have lowered levels to 16 percent or less, Ward said.

"If you didn't live on the sea level you didn't live," he commented, reflecting the fact that oxygen concentrations decline with altitude. The result would have been to eliminate half the living space on the planet, said Ward.

The more recent mass extinction that killed the dinosaurs — 65 million years ago — has been linked to an impact by a large asteroid or comet that struck in an area off the coast of what is now Mexico and left a distinctive layer of dust worldwide.

Some researchers have argued that the Great Dying might also have resulted from such an impact, but Ward's team said it could find no evidence for such an event.

That doesn't mean there wasn't one, argues Luann Becker of the University of California at Santa Barbara, commenting that "the absence of evidence isn't evidence for absence."

Becker, who was not part of Ward's research team, said "they did a nice job of presenting the paleontological data and the stratigraphy, which seem to show some indication of an evolutionary change going on for a prolonged period of time." However, she added, she doesn't believe that addresses the subject of cause and effect.



"I think that this is an ongoing discussion," said Becker, who previously reported on a crater off the northwest coast of Australia that shows evidence of a large meteor impact at about the time of the early extinction.

Ward's research was funded by the NASA Astrobiology Institute, the National Science Foundation and the National Research Foundation of South Africa.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Some "News Paper headline" in the pass that could have been done better, maybe...

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

"QUEEN MARY WILL HAVE HER BOTTOM SCRAPED"

"BOY WANTS TO MOUNT AUTOGRAPHED GUITAR"

"MOST SURGEONS FACE CUTS"

"TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY"

"Grandmother of eight makes a hole in one"

"Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing"

"Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers"

"House passes gas tax onto senate"

"Stiff opposition expected to casket-less funeral plan"

"Two convicts evade noose, the jury hung"

"William Kelly was fed secretary"

"Milk drinkers are turning to powder"

"Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted"

"Quarter of a million Chinese live on water"

"Farmer bill dies in house"

"Iraqi head seeks arms"

"Prostitutes appeal to Pope"

"Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over"

"NJ judge to rule on nude beach"

"Child's stool great for use in garden"

"Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors"

"Soviet virgin lands short of goal again"

"Organ festival ends in a smashing climax"

"Eye drops off shelf"

"Squad helps dog bite victim"

"Dealers will hear car talk at noon"

"Enraged cow injures farmer with ax"

"Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests"

"Miners refuse to work after death"

"Two Soviet ships collide - one dies"

"Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter"

"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says"

"Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told"

"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"

"War Dims Hope for Peace"

"New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead"

"Deer Kill 17,000"

"Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"

"Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"

"Steals Clock, Faces Time"

"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"

"Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted"

"Include Your Children When Baking Cookies"

"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"

"Teacher Strikes Idle Kids"

"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While"

"British Union Finds Dwarfs In Short Supply"

"Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures"

"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"

"Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold as Pet Fish"

"Complaints About NBA Referees Growing Ugly "

"Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case"

"Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66"

"Stolen Painting Found by Tree"

"Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees"

"Chou Remains Cremated"

"Hershey Bars Protest"

"Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead"

"Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing"

"Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing"

"Air Head Fired"

"Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy"

"Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood"

"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"

"Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge"

"Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire"

"Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years"

"Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84"

"Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents"

"British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands"

"New Vaccine May Contain Rabies"

"Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms"

"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"

"Red Tape Holds up New Bridge"

"Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni"

"Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board"

"Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"

"Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction"

"Pickups Car Most Stolen in Texas"



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

---

The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".

Senior's Special

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The worlds is so ass backwards today that it almost makes you wish you were dyslectic - Dennis Miller(I am dyslectic, it didn't work)

IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING
United States Marine Corps

---

> was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good,"
> my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
>
> "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents
> because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
>
> "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife
> asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
>
> "How do you want your eggs?"
>
> "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
>
> She took the two eggs home.
>
> DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!



MY ADVICE endeavors at keen.com. The number is 1-800-275-5336 (800-ask-keen) + ext. 0329063 for tech stuff, 0329117 for running a small business, and 0329144 on investing. Want to CHAT, I use Yahoo's IM as the_web_ster. View me in the Friends & Family part of webcamnow.com, just click on "view cams", then in the Java window click on WebcamNow Communities drop down arrow & select Friends & Family. Under the live webcams look for & click on me "the_webster".